Forewarning: I have had a bottle of wine and Chris' viewing is tomorrow. Clearly not the best circumstances to be blogging under.
But what the hell...
This whole situation is so funny. Every action is excusable within it's perimeters. It's filed under "oh she's sad" or "he's lost so much". While I'm glad some of my actions are excused because of my grief, there are others that should not be excused. And none of them have come from me.
I realize I'm being cryptic, but, I've gotten in trouble for posting too much before. I'll be damned before I get in trouble for that again.
This situation has opened up my eyes to the very best and the very worst side of people. Some of the kindest words and gestures have come from people I never would expect in a million years, and some of the ugliest have come from some of the people closest to the situation.
People are fucked up.
I can't tell you how many friend requests on fb I've gotten over the past month. Some I've accepted because I've known them and we just happened to not be friends. Others were merely vultures for information. And my poor friends! So many of them have been accosted and hit up for information.
NEWSFLASH! IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
It's disgusting. This guy who claimed to be such good "friends" with Chris (mind you, I've never heard his name mentioned in 2 years) was sending out "details" of the situation to people who had no business knowing. So, I got in contact with him to stop it. Do you know he had the balls to text me and tell me that I needed to watch how I talked to people?!
I just want to be done. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to have to explain myself to people. I don't want to have to swallow my feelings and be the bigger person.
I DON'T WANT TO BE GRACE FUCKING KELLY!
But....I also don't want to be defined by my anger. I would love to be the lovely, damaged widow who stood by her man.
I also fall down while standing still and make penis jokes. This task is not one that I can manage easily. I foresee many gray hairs in my future.
I just want my fiancee back. The person who loved me for all my faults and laughed at my stupid, immature jokes. But I also want everything to be done; to bury him and move on with my life.
I'm stuck. I'm strong but I'm stuck.
I leave you with this: if you can't be anything else in life, just mean what you say. Don't go through life bullshitting everyone. It ends up just hurting everyone and making you look like a liar. Following through on what you say means more than anything.
Don't hold my hand when no one is looking, and then let go and walk ahead of me when "important" people are around. I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive you. I know and so does he. And so do you.
