They Say

Actions speak louder than words. Or do they?

 I’m a talker. I know that may be a surprise to some of you (*side eye*) but I am. I am the very definition of an extrovert, in that I have to pour out my feelings and thoughts and get opinions on said feelings/thoughts. I mean, I may not divulge 75% of what I’m actually thinking but I put out the gist of what I need.

This is true for me in relationships, too. I like to tell the person what I think of them and what they mean to me. I feel like it makes them feel wanted and there is ABSOLUTELY no gray area. I feel it. I say it. Yay loving feelings! But it gets a little difficult when the person doesn’t reciprocate.

I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before, but, my old boss had told me about this book called The Five Love Languages. If you haven’t checked it out, I suggest you do it. It makes total and complete sense and applies to any relationship; be it romantic or platonic. The gist of it is that there are five ways to express and feel love:

-Words of affirmation

-Acts of service

-Receiving gifts

-Quality time

-Physical touch

Typically people have two ways in which they understand love. I took the test and my big two are quality time and words of affirmation. It speaks for itself: spend time with me and tell me I’m pretty. Simple.

Or is it?

This is a two-way street. The way that I understand and give love may not be the same way in which you understand and express love and I have to take it upon myself to understand your way; which is undeniably hard and can be frustrating.

I guess what brings me to this really long introduction is that my current relationship is having this issue. I am a talker where he is not. He will literally talk about ANYTHING but feelings. Even if they aren’t feelings about me he still won’t talk about them. But, he will cook me a damn good breakfast and clean every inch of my kitchen when he’s done. He refuses to let me carry any of the grocery bags when we go to the store. He loves to hold my hand in public and private and lets me rest my feet on him when we’re just watching TV. So, it’s a give and take: I’m a talker and he is not. He’s a doer and I am not. But is there a point where things go sour because someone’s needs are not being met? Or is it a matter of trying harder and being more open?

We’re almost at the half-way point in our relationship and I’m feeling like I need to know where this is headed. I’m dating to find my partner in life. Is he? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Also, I tested the waters a week prior with the “love you”. That completely blew up in my face. (Side note- he told me he loved me in November, even if he was in a sleep daze. I made him repeat it and he did. Then he conveniently “forgot” the next morning that he said it. #wut)

SO, it was time to have the uncomfortable convo that I am the queen of having. I asked what he wants to do in life and he starts talking about his desired profession. I clarify that I want to know if he eventually wants to get married and have kids. He tells me that he hasn’t really thought about it (umm….what? you’re 25). So then I start my looooooooooooong winded, fidgety explanation of why I want to know and yadda yadda and I got nothing. In fact, I think he commented on the dinner at the restaurant. Not to be thwarted, I “laughed” and kept going and straight up asked him why he doesn’t talk about his feelings. “I just don’t,” he said. “The only person that ever knows my feelings is my dad and we usually walk into the house with a glow on and empty bottles in our hands”. Fucking. Great. “Actually, that’s why my last 2 or 3 exes haven’t worked out”. Double.Fucking.Great.

We finish dinner and head home and the mood is fine but I’m still feeling sassy. We get home and cuddle on the couch and I (sweetly) say that he needs to give me something. I went as far as to go “Are you feeling bad feelings?” *shakes his head ‘no’*. “Are you feeling good feelings?” *pauses, shrugs* “Are you feeling medium feelings?” *pauses, shrugs*, again. So, I’m mad at this point. This guy is an adult. He should use his words. WHY WON’T HE USE HIS WORDS?!?!? Then he says, “You always ask me for timelines. I don’t understand why you need to know the end for everything”. Fair statement, Boyfriend, but you don’t give me any indication of where we are….that is in the way that I understand it.

He gets ready to go to bed and I’m fired up. “If we’re done, just tell me we’re done. I’m an adult and I can handle it”, I say. He goes “What do you want from me?!?” Lemme tell ya, things went red. Are you kidding me?! ALL I EVER DO IS TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FROM YOU! Which is pretty much what I said to him too. Then I go in for the brutally honest kill, “Don’t you think if your last two or three girlfriends dumped you because of your non-communication that it’s a fucking problem that you need to fucking fix?!?!?!?”

Then the flashbacks of my very first, drama-filled relationship began.

I stares with me and completely shuts down. Gets up and starts getting dressed and packing. I start doing damage control and keeping him from leaving and blah blah blah. He still does not say a word, so, what do I do? I keep talking, haha.

“You’re being a child. It’s not practical for you to leave right now and you know that. You ask me what I want from you and I turn blue in face from telling you what I want from you. I’m a great fucking girlfriend (yeah, I did) and I bust my ass to make you happy. If you can’t see that then that’s your problem. All I’m asking you is to tell me what we’re doing. If you wanna call it quits, just tell me and we’ll high-five and call it a day. I’m not that selfish in keeping you in something you don’t want to be in. And if I hurt your feelings because of what I said, that’s because you force me to put words in YOUR mouth because you refuse to let any of YOURS out!”

Then the staring begins. After a few minutes, his expression softens and he says quietly, “I’m 25 years old. I don’t know what I want yet”. THANK YOU! That’s all I freaking needed.

We go to bed without really saying anything to each other and he’s not so touchy, cuddly, which stresses me out. The wheels start a turnin’ and I didn’t sleep much that night because I figure we’re done.

First thing in the morning, we get up and he tells me to sit on the couch and get comfy. He makes my coffee, cooks me an amazing breakfast and cleans everything up. Not to mention all the kisses and hugs in between.  I tell him that I’m sorry if I hurt his feelings the night before because I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to let him know how I felt.

And then something amazing happened.

“I know. I’m sorry I frustrate you. I’ll try to be better.”

Meeting of the minds/feelings, I tell ya.

So, is it that actions speak louder than words? Or vice versa? I don’t know, to be honest. I’d probably be writing a similar post if he didn’t hold my hand or hug me ever.

Oh the joy of relationships.

"Her" - SPOILERS!!

This morning I saw the film "Her" by Spike Jonze and it was fantastic.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks, here is the trailer so you know what I'm talking about.

I have to say, the trailer didn't really light a fire under my ass to go see it. I was intrigued but more so on a "meh" level. I mean, it was about a guy who fell in love with his computer. But I am SO glad that I went to see it!

This movie was beautiful on so many different levels; the story, the cinematography, the acting, all of it was just gorgeous. And it was beyond just some guy falling in love with an operating system. It was a person falling in love with a person whom was without a body. It was warm, so warm. The color of the film was rich with reds and browns, almost like a really saturated Instragram was placed over the camera. In fact, everything about the film was a bit hipster-ish. I laughed to myself and thought, "Ugh. So the hipster look will become earnestly sincere and not ironic in the future". Oh yeah- this movie takes place slightly in the future". There were a plethora of mustaches and high-waisted, wool pants that just did NOT work with me. They were a bit long in the zipper.

The writing. Oh God, the writing. It was so honest and beautiful and everything resonated on so many levels, especially for those of us who have been in long distance relationships. The phrase, "what would you do if I were there with you right now" is one that is a conversation staple. In fact, every time Theodore and Samantha had that conversation, my heart nearly fell out of my chest and tears pooled in my eyes. I still have those conversations. It sucks. The worst/best line that was the first to bring me to tears, was when Theodore described his feelings about his divorce to Samantha. He says (and I'm slightly paraphrasing because I don't remember the line verbatim), "I feel like I've felt everything I'm supposed to feel and I can't feel it again". Oh my God, NAIL ON THE HEAD, SPIKE JONZE! I just...wow.

The main caveat in Theordore and Samantha's relationship was the fact that she was without a body; that she wasn't "real". But I mean, is it really so far fetched to have a relationship with someone who may or may not be actually "real"? What makes a person real? The physical being of a person? Or the thoughts and/or feelings? Sorry, I'm getting a bit existential, but, that's what this film kind of does to you. Samantha points out that they are both billions of years old since they are both made of the same matter that was the result of the explosion that created our planet. So, I mean, is Theordore only a person because of his skin? Or is Samantha a person because she can feel feelings?

Also, removing the physical aspects of relationships leaves room for knowing the person on a much deeper level. You really learn how to fall in love with who the person IS, rather than the physical person. In my years in the dating game, I've had two relationships where the majority of our time was spent apart. The BIG one, you all know about. The other happened when I was 16.

I met this guy, A, at the beach and I initially told him that I was 18 because he was 22. We hit it off really well and we exchanged telephone numbers and I told him the following week how old I was. He decided that he found me interesting and wanted to keep talking to me (he lived in NYC). We talked almost every day for an entire year and had gotten extremely close. It was romantic in a sense but nothing to an extreme level. We just really got to know who the other person was to his/her core. We met face-to-face at the beach again and it was really weird. It was hard to hear him talk and to look at him. I found myself looking away whenever he talked because that's how I had gotten to know him- a voice. Eventually we got more comfortable but after that weekend, we've never seen each other again. We kept in touch for years after that but still never saw each other. He probably is one of the few people on this Earth that knows me on such a deep level. We really did love each other but it was such a different love than I've ever felt before and I think a lot of it was because of the absence of the physical. I used to say the same thing about Chris but that's a whole different can of worms.

If you've gathered anything from my blog ramblings, I hope that it's that you need to go see this movie. It really is something special.