Nights are the worst.
It's always the same. I walk up my stairs, turn on every light, do every other meaningless task, and then I catch myself; a sight in the mirror. And I stare. I stare at myself. I stare at no one. I stare at someone who used to be a somebody to someone. To someone who is no one now.
Sometimes I ask myself questions:
Who are you?
Why do you look so sad?
Remember when you were happy?
Remember the way you looked when you still had him?
The last is sometimes the hardest to answer. It seems so far and yet so close.
Is this my life? One can hardly tell. I know who I am. Or do I? I know that face in the mirror.
Don't I?
I don't why I look to the mirror for answers. Perhaps I hope/I'm hoping that once the cold, truthful reflection will tell me a lie; if I stare hard enough at it his arm will drape around my shoulders and his forehead will nuzzle my cheek. I live for these lies. I'm desperate for the lie.
So there I sit. Waiting for my own reflection to lie to me.
Sweet insanity.
At the same time I feel like everything around me is a lie. His cologne and bow tie on my dresser, the bags of his clothes in a corner with shirts spilled about, a t-shirt with his smell, a picture of him next to me. Happy. How could he have ever been here if he is gone? If he is never going to wear his clothes again or leave an empty Monster on my nightstand? Did I dream it?
What I would do for the lie. But there I sit. Every day. Waiting for the glass to lie. Searching for answers.
Why won't he talk to me? Why can't I feel him? Why won't he come back to me?
Why am I alone?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Good Weekend
This past weekend I went up to New Jersey to visit one of my best friends, L. Her birthday was this past Sunday and I was definitely due for a visit. I had such a blast! But I always do with L.
Friday I left after work, so right around 4:30. This proved to be a stupid decision since I got stuck in traffic three freaking times. But luckily I still made it there in decent time and L's parent's took us out to dinner. The place was super cute and I got an awesome shrimp scampi. Mmmm.....I could go for some right now. After dinner L and I just spent the night talking and catching up.
Saturday was awesome. L took me to Atlantic City for my first time! There was SO MUCH to look at that I didn't know what to focus on, haha. And as soon as we walked into Caesars that feeling was amplified by, like, 10,000. There were so many lights and sounds and people and sparkly things that my brain was on overload. L wanted to play some penny machines so she tried her luck at one and *WOMP WOMP* no such luck. So we walked around and then I found Kitty Glitter...
Took one look and I knew this was my game. So, I sat down and put $20 in. And wouldn't you know it, I added $23.37 to that $20! So, I walked away. I didn't want to try my luck more than that.
L took me to where all the shops were and my eyeballs fell out of my head when we walked by Burberry. Have you guys seen their new Fall/Winter Line? I die. There was an older lady who had a giant Louis Vuitton shopping bag AND a Burberry shopping bag. I immediately hated her. So, L took me to Sugar to make it better. Sugar is a GIANT candy store and we went a bit crazy in there and it was awesome.
After our sugar high we had lunch on the boardwalk and played "Your Team". Plenty of prime real estate for that. Especially the guidos sitting at the table beside us. I'm sorry, but, how is it comfortable to have your hat sitting ON TOP of your head? Like, not even pulled down. How does the wind not knock it off? How does it stay on? Makes no sense....
We headed back to Caesars to finish out the day and L and I wanted to try one more time to gamble. Her luck didn't improve and the penny slots got the best of her again. I really wanted to go back to Kitty Glitter since it proved to be lucky for me. Well, just like a damn cat, it was an asshole. I lost the $20 I had won the last time. Stupid gambling. I've learned that I'm not a big gambler. I like having something to show for the money I spent. Now, had I won like $2,000 or something this opinion would be very different, haha.
Philadelphia was the next and final stop on our adventure. We stayed at a hotel right in Center City by city hall. I LOVE city hall. It's soooooooooooooooo pretty! I was super excited about our night because L always takes me to the coolest places whenever we go. And she definitely didn't disappoint.
And can I just mention that the City of Brotherly Love was being VERY loving to L and I this weekend? Haha. Got compliments out of wazoo and everyone was just being SO nice. Definitely helped my ego a little bit. SAD GIRL STILL GOT IT!
Anyway, L and her boyfriend, T, took me to this place called The Farmers Cabinet. It was AWESOME! The drinks were delicious and the atmosphere was so neat. The jazz band they had played songs from the 1920s and it really added to the experience. I loved everything about it, so much so that it might be my new favorite bar in Philly. It's a definite must if you're ever in the area.
Next we went to a place called Perch Park or bar or something. It was your run-of-the-mill bar. We had a good time until I found a piece of glass in my drink, haha. We left promptly after that.
T unfortunately had to head home after that but L and I continued our bar crawl. She asked if I wanted to go to another place and I said "Sure! It's your birthday night so we can go wherever you want". Next thing I know she's talking to a guy outside by a stairwell and then starts going downstairs with him. She turned me around to tell me to come with and I was just like "I swear, if I didn't know you, I'd think you were trying to kill me every time we go to a bar in Philly". The last bar she took me to like this was down a creepy alley but the bar was awesome. This place was called The Franklin Mortgage & Investment Company . It was a legit speakeasy during Prohibition! It was really neat and their drink menu was awesome as well. Another must in this city.
Well, last call came and went so we headed back to the hotel. We skipped dinner since lunch was so late but we were STARVING at this point. We changed and walked four blocks to a pizza place in the Gayborhood (a real place). Have you guys ever seen macaroni and cheese pizza before? I hadn't. And it looked glorious through my drunk eyes. However, L and I got a large cheese instead and made it our bitch. We ate like all but two pieces. We're so pretty.....
The next day L took me to Devil's Den for brunch. O...M....G......this place.....I can't even.....
Is that not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? That's crab cake benedict. A frittata, crab cake, over easy eggs covered in hollandaise sauce and spicy potatoes. Excuse me while I wipe up the drool from my desk....
We rolled ourselves out of there after we finished being fatties and headed back to L's house for some birthday cake. There may or may not have been some shopping done before we made it back to the house, haha.
I had SUCH a good time and I didn't want to come home; Back to the doom and gloom and the paranoia. I think the best part of the weekend is that I wasn't worried that everyone knew who I was and was talking about me. I was a nobody and I was far away from the sad. Hell, I didn't cry at all the ENTIRE weekend until I went to bed Sunday night. *Sigh*...if only that was all the time. I can tell you this though, being in a new city really ignited my desire to move. I mean, I figured I would leave after everything settles down and I really felt ready. This trip, however, created a strong fire inside me to get the hell out of dodge as soon as I can. Now the question is....
Where do I go?
Friday I left after work, so right around 4:30. This proved to be a stupid decision since I got stuck in traffic three freaking times. But luckily I still made it there in decent time and L's parent's took us out to dinner. The place was super cute and I got an awesome shrimp scampi. Mmmm.....I could go for some right now. After dinner L and I just spent the night talking and catching up.
Saturday was awesome. L took me to Atlantic City for my first time! There was SO MUCH to look at that I didn't know what to focus on, haha. And as soon as we walked into Caesars that feeling was amplified by, like, 10,000. There were so many lights and sounds and people and sparkly things that my brain was on overload. L wanted to play some penny machines so she tried her luck at one and *WOMP WOMP* no such luck. So we walked around and then I found Kitty Glitter...
Took one look and I knew this was my game. So, I sat down and put $20 in. And wouldn't you know it, I added $23.37 to that $20! So, I walked away. I didn't want to try my luck more than that.
L took me to where all the shops were and my eyeballs fell out of my head when we walked by Burberry. Have you guys seen their new Fall/Winter Line? I die. There was an older lady who had a giant Louis Vuitton shopping bag AND a Burberry shopping bag. I immediately hated her. So, L took me to Sugar to make it better. Sugar is a GIANT candy store and we went a bit crazy in there and it was awesome.
After our sugar high we had lunch on the boardwalk and played "Your Team". Plenty of prime real estate for that. Especially the guidos sitting at the table beside us. I'm sorry, but, how is it comfortable to have your hat sitting ON TOP of your head? Like, not even pulled down. How does the wind not knock it off? How does it stay on? Makes no sense....
We headed back to Caesars to finish out the day and L and I wanted to try one more time to gamble. Her luck didn't improve and the penny slots got the best of her again. I really wanted to go back to Kitty Glitter since it proved to be lucky for me. Well, just like a damn cat, it was an asshole. I lost the $20 I had won the last time. Stupid gambling. I've learned that I'm not a big gambler. I like having something to show for the money I spent. Now, had I won like $2,000 or something this opinion would be very different, haha.
Philadelphia was the next and final stop on our adventure. We stayed at a hotel right in Center City by city hall. I LOVE city hall. It's soooooooooooooooo pretty! I was super excited about our night because L always takes me to the coolest places whenever we go. And she definitely didn't disappoint.
And can I just mention that the City of Brotherly Love was being VERY loving to L and I this weekend? Haha. Got compliments out of wazoo and everyone was just being SO nice. Definitely helped my ego a little bit. SAD GIRL STILL GOT IT!
Anyway, L and her boyfriend, T, took me to this place called The Farmers Cabinet. It was AWESOME! The drinks were delicious and the atmosphere was so neat. The jazz band they had played songs from the 1920s and it really added to the experience. I loved everything about it, so much so that it might be my new favorite bar in Philly. It's a definite must if you're ever in the area.
Next we went to a place called Perch Park or bar or something. It was your run-of-the-mill bar. We had a good time until I found a piece of glass in my drink, haha. We left promptly after that.
T unfortunately had to head home after that but L and I continued our bar crawl. She asked if I wanted to go to another place and I said "Sure! It's your birthday night so we can go wherever you want". Next thing I know she's talking to a guy outside by a stairwell and then starts going downstairs with him. She turned me around to tell me to come with and I was just like "I swear, if I didn't know you, I'd think you were trying to kill me every time we go to a bar in Philly". The last bar she took me to like this was down a creepy alley but the bar was awesome. This place was called The Franklin Mortgage & Investment Company . It was a legit speakeasy during Prohibition! It was really neat and their drink menu was awesome as well. Another must in this city.
Well, last call came and went so we headed back to the hotel. We skipped dinner since lunch was so late but we were STARVING at this point. We changed and walked four blocks to a pizza place in the Gayborhood (a real place). Have you guys ever seen macaroni and cheese pizza before? I hadn't. And it looked glorious through my drunk eyes. However, L and I got a large cheese instead and made it our bitch. We ate like all but two pieces. We're so pretty.....
The next day L took me to Devil's Den for brunch. O...M....G......this place.....I can't even.....
We rolled ourselves out of there after we finished being fatties and headed back to L's house for some birthday cake. There may or may not have been some shopping done before we made it back to the house, haha.
I had SUCH a good time and I didn't want to come home; Back to the doom and gloom and the paranoia. I think the best part of the weekend is that I wasn't worried that everyone knew who I was and was talking about me. I was a nobody and I was far away from the sad. Hell, I didn't cry at all the ENTIRE weekend until I went to bed Sunday night. *Sigh*...if only that was all the time. I can tell you this though, being in a new city really ignited my desire to move. I mean, I figured I would leave after everything settles down and I really felt ready. This trip, however, created a strong fire inside me to get the hell out of dodge as soon as I can. Now the question is....
Where do I go?
Friday, July 20, 2012
OBSESSED
Omg the words.......
All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here
And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Thursday, July 19, 2012
"The Greatest Gift"
Today I received the letter that details who/where Chris' heart and liver went to.
I've had a really hard time with this since the beginning. I recognize and understand the "gift" and all the good that this choice can do, and ultimately, has done. But it still is something I don't find joy in.
The week of D Day, my cousin T was here visiting. T is a registered nurse at the Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh so she has seen a fair share of trauma and "gift" giving. After it happened and I spoke with the donor company, T tried to make me understand how wonderful donation is and all the good she has seen it do. In fact, she got emotional just talking about it. I told her that day, and I feel the same now, that I understand that it is good. But I don't feel the good. I don't get joy from it.
The letter states,
"Christopher's liver was transplanted into a 54 year-old man from Georgia. He is married and has two children. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the transplant waiting list since May of this year and that the liver functioned immediately. This gentleman has been discharged from the hospital.
Your fiance's heart was able to help a 51 year-old man from Georgia. He is married, with three stepdaughters, and works as a mechanic. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the waiting list for two months and has been discharged from the hospital in good condition."
Now, both of these men could easily be my father. My dad turned 53 this year. But that still doesn't make it better. And these men were only on the transplant list for a couple of months. What about the people who are on the list for years? I may not know the level of their conditions but it bothers me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't feel good because Chris' heart and Chris' liver are still supposed to be in his body. He is supposed to be giving me his heart on September 22nd. It isn't supposed to be in this man's body. This man that I don't know that doesn't live in the state that Chris is from.
I feel like Georgia stole him from me. Parts of his body, parts of him, parts of me that I will never get back.
It's so unfair.
The letter also says that I can write to the recipient and their family if i so wish. To tell them about Chris and tell them about me. Part of me would really like to do that but I'm afraid that I won't get a response. And I don't know how badly that will hurt. I've already given so much of myself in this and have gotten so little back that I don't know if further rejection will bother me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to get letters like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think about this.
How is this "The Greatest Gift" when it hurts so much? When will everyone be done taking from me?
I've had a really hard time with this since the beginning. I recognize and understand the "gift" and all the good that this choice can do, and ultimately, has done. But it still is something I don't find joy in.
The week of D Day, my cousin T was here visiting. T is a registered nurse at the Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh so she has seen a fair share of trauma and "gift" giving. After it happened and I spoke with the donor company, T tried to make me understand how wonderful donation is and all the good she has seen it do. In fact, she got emotional just talking about it. I told her that day, and I feel the same now, that I understand that it is good. But I don't feel the good. I don't get joy from it.
The letter states,
"Christopher's liver was transplanted into a 54 year-old man from Georgia. He is married and has two children. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the transplant waiting list since May of this year and that the liver functioned immediately. This gentleman has been discharged from the hospital.
Your fiance's heart was able to help a 51 year-old man from Georgia. He is married, with three stepdaughters, and works as a mechanic. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the waiting list for two months and has been discharged from the hospital in good condition."
Now, both of these men could easily be my father. My dad turned 53 this year. But that still doesn't make it better. And these men were only on the transplant list for a couple of months. What about the people who are on the list for years? I may not know the level of their conditions but it bothers me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't feel good because Chris' heart and Chris' liver are still supposed to be in his body. He is supposed to be giving me his heart on September 22nd. It isn't supposed to be in this man's body. This man that I don't know that doesn't live in the state that Chris is from.
I feel like Georgia stole him from me. Parts of his body, parts of him, parts of me that I will never get back.
It's so unfair.
The letter also says that I can write to the recipient and their family if i so wish. To tell them about Chris and tell them about me. Part of me would really like to do that but I'm afraid that I won't get a response. And I don't know how badly that will hurt. I've already given so much of myself in this and have gotten so little back that I don't know if further rejection will bother me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to get letters like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think about this.
How is this "The Greatest Gift" when it hurts so much? When will everyone be done taking from me?
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Girl Who Cried In Front of Lebron James
......*sigh*......
So that happened.
But you're in luck random readers! I am not approaching this with a sad attitude! No, no! I am DEFINITELY cracking up about this because, c'mon...it's funny.
So Friday night I hung out with one of my first friends I made at college and my old roommate (who happened to be BFFs). It had been a long while since I had seen them and when they came to the viewing it brought back a lot of great memories. I really miss these girls!
After work, I headed up to Annapolis to hang out with AC* and TD* and I was really excited for the evening. The plan was that we were going to a club in DC where Lebron James just happened to be celebrating his birthday. Ummmm.......EXCITED! I was feeling really good about everything because I had some awesome outfit options and my hair looked really good. And it didn't hurt that I got flirted with on route 50. (Hey, I'll take my victories where I can get them)
I made it up to Annapolis and AC and I had some quality chatting time (TD was still at work) as well as primping time. Now, the outfit options I had: one was kinda safe and the other wasn't. Now you should know this about me: I am OBSESSED with rompers. Like, it's almost a problem, haha. I think I have 7 now? One of them is this SUPER cute one that I had gotten from ASOS (again, OBSESSED)
So that happened.
But you're in luck random readers! I am not approaching this with a sad attitude! No, no! I am DEFINITELY cracking up about this because, c'mon...it's funny.
So Friday night I hung out with one of my first friends I made at college and my old roommate (who happened to be BFFs). It had been a long while since I had seen them and when they came to the viewing it brought back a lot of great memories. I really miss these girls!
After work, I headed up to Annapolis to hang out with AC* and TD* and I was really excited for the evening. The plan was that we were going to a club in DC where Lebron James just happened to be celebrating his birthday. Ummmm.......EXCITED! I was feeling really good about everything because I had some awesome outfit options and my hair looked really good. And it didn't hurt that I got flirted with on route 50. (Hey, I'll take my victories where I can get them)
I made it up to Annapolis and AC and I had some quality chatting time (TD was still at work) as well as primping time. Now, the outfit options I had: one was kinda safe and the other wasn't. Now you should know this about me: I am OBSESSED with rompers. Like, it's almost a problem, haha. I think I have 7 now? One of them is this SUPER cute one that I had gotten from ASOS (again, OBSESSED)
Cute right? Very Katy Perry.
So, when I tried it on I was a little shaky on it. The shorts are SUPER short and I've recently lost like 40 lbs so I'm not used to having a lot on display. But, I brought it with me because I'm trying to have a "who cares?!" attitude these days.
I showed it to AC and MC (the girls' friend) and they really liked it and encouraged me to have no fear. So, in very "FUCK IT" fashion, I wore it. But ya know, I was really feeling it. I felt good, I felt like I looked good, and it helped that the girl at the liquor store complimented my hair.
Little victories, people. Little victories.
Around 10:30 we start making the trek to DC with TD in tow. I couldn't wait to get to the club because I was so excited to go out with my girls and just dance and have fun! Nothing could get me down!
Then we get to the hotel we were staying at and I get out of the jeep. There were two girls sitting outside and they were just staring at me. I mean, they probably weren't but my neuroses these days is off the charts. So that made me nervous. Then we make it up to the room we were staying in....with a bunch of Ravens cheerleaders.
.........Do you hear that? That's the sound of my ego deflating like a damn balloon.
I chuckle and think to myself "Aaaaand I'm officially the fat friend" as I start tugging at my outfit. But, I try to stay positive and think it's still going to be a good night.
Then we get in the cab. I start to think, "Oh yeah....this is only the second time I've been out without my parents...oh shit....." and the anxiety starts to bubble (yeah...that's a new gift this situation has given me. awesome). The anxiety continues to bubble when we're inside because they are security guards everywhere and people trying to take our picture (I shit you not) and busboys running around like CRAZY. TD saw that I was kind of panicking and tried to talk me down. We eventually made it over to our VIP table where there were lots of bottles.
Ego, slightly recovered.
After that I really mellowed out and tried to enjoy the moment. I mean, I was at a super awesome club in DC with a VIP table and alcohol I didn't have to pay for! Plus, I was with my awesome friends and a bunch of attractive girls. And a famous person was coming. AWESOME!
Mr. James eventually made his appearance and when he did, the sea of blonde I was with gravitated over to his table (which was only one table away from ours). They made their way in and after about 20 minutes, the other half of our group (myself included) made our way in. Now, at this point, I've had two grey goose and cranberries and 2 glasses of champagne. I was feeling good. And I met Lebron's friend J. He was a very nice fellow. What he said, however, I couldn't tell ya. The music was loud and he was too soft spoken. But, he was fun.
Now, let me describe the scene for you. The booth was like a half moon shape. I was sitting towards the left hand side and Lebron was to my right with about 5 people in between us. There was also a bunch of girls dancing in front of all the guys. It was pretty full. But all was right with the evening...
Until it wasn't.
I can't tell you at what point these thoughts started happening, but, they happened. It was like I looked around and could tell that some of these people were on the "hunt". And I thought to myself, "I can't believe I have to do this again". And then I thought, "It's not fair that none of these people have to go through what I've just had to go through".
Then I fucking cried.
With Lebron James and his entourage sitting on either side of me.
I. Fucking. Cried.
TD would later tell me that J asked if I was okay and she told him what was going on. He apparently said "Oh my God! She is so strong for trying to come out and be normal!"
HAHA! "Try" is the operative word there.
.......*sigh*........I judge me.
The rest of the night was spent having a breakdown for an hour back at the hotel room and TD's boyfriend coming to pick us up at like 4 am to take us home.
The next morning I woke up and just shook my head, haha.
Who does this happen to? Just me.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Ugh I'm Over It
Forewarning: I have had a bottle of wine and Chris' viewing is tomorrow. Clearly not the best circumstances to be blogging under.
But what the hell...
This whole situation is so funny. Every action is excusable within it's perimeters. It's filed under "oh she's sad" or "he's lost so much". While I'm glad some of my actions are excused because of my grief, there are others that should not be excused. And none of them have come from me.
I realize I'm being cryptic, but, I've gotten in trouble for posting too much before. I'll be damned before I get in trouble for that again.
This situation has opened up my eyes to the very best and the very worst side of people. Some of the kindest words and gestures have come from people I never would expect in a million years, and some of the ugliest have come from some of the people closest to the situation.
People are fucked up.
I can't tell you how many friend requests on fb I've gotten over the past month. Some I've accepted because I've known them and we just happened to not be friends. Others were merely vultures for information. And my poor friends! So many of them have been accosted and hit up for information.
NEWSFLASH! IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
It's disgusting. This guy who claimed to be such good "friends" with Chris (mind you, I've never heard his name mentioned in 2 years) was sending out "details" of the situation to people who had no business knowing. So, I got in contact with him to stop it. Do you know he had the balls to text me and tell me that I needed to watch how I talked to people?!
I just want to be done. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to have to explain myself to people. I don't want to have to swallow my feelings and be the bigger person.
I DON'T WANT TO BE GRACE FUCKING KELLY!
But....I also don't want to be defined by my anger. I would love to be the lovely, damaged widow who stood by her man.
I also fall down while standing still and make penis jokes. This task is not one that I can manage easily. I foresee many gray hairs in my future.
I just want my fiancee back. The person who loved me for all my faults and laughed at my stupid, immature jokes. But I also want everything to be done; to bury him and move on with my life.
I'm stuck. I'm strong but I'm stuck.
I leave you with this: if you can't be anything else in life, just mean what you say. Don't go through life bullshitting everyone. It ends up just hurting everyone and making you look like a liar. Following through on what you say means more than anything.
Don't hold my hand when no one is looking, and then let go and walk ahead of me when "important" people are around. I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive you. I know and so does he. And so do you.
But what the hell...
This whole situation is so funny. Every action is excusable within it's perimeters. It's filed under "oh she's sad" or "he's lost so much". While I'm glad some of my actions are excused because of my grief, there are others that should not be excused. And none of them have come from me.
I realize I'm being cryptic, but, I've gotten in trouble for posting too much before. I'll be damned before I get in trouble for that again.
This situation has opened up my eyes to the very best and the very worst side of people. Some of the kindest words and gestures have come from people I never would expect in a million years, and some of the ugliest have come from some of the people closest to the situation.
People are fucked up.
I can't tell you how many friend requests on fb I've gotten over the past month. Some I've accepted because I've known them and we just happened to not be friends. Others were merely vultures for information. And my poor friends! So many of them have been accosted and hit up for information.
NEWSFLASH! IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
It's disgusting. This guy who claimed to be such good "friends" with Chris (mind you, I've never heard his name mentioned in 2 years) was sending out "details" of the situation to people who had no business knowing. So, I got in contact with him to stop it. Do you know he had the balls to text me and tell me that I needed to watch how I talked to people?!
I just want to be done. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to have to explain myself to people. I don't want to have to swallow my feelings and be the bigger person.
I DON'T WANT TO BE GRACE FUCKING KELLY!
But....I also don't want to be defined by my anger. I would love to be the lovely, damaged widow who stood by her man.
I also fall down while standing still and make penis jokes. This task is not one that I can manage easily. I foresee many gray hairs in my future.
I just want my fiancee back. The person who loved me for all my faults and laughed at my stupid, immature jokes. But I also want everything to be done; to bury him and move on with my life.
I'm stuck. I'm strong but I'm stuck.
I leave you with this: if you can't be anything else in life, just mean what you say. Don't go through life bullshitting everyone. It ends up just hurting everyone and making you look like a liar. Following through on what you say means more than anything.
Don't hold my hand when no one is looking, and then let go and walk ahead of me when "important" people are around. I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive you. I know and so does he. And so do you.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Please Just Save Me From This Darkness
I've been waiting for the "right" time to start this blog. I named it over a week ago and just couldn't find the "right" words to begin.
I still don't know how to begin......
So, as Julie Andrews reminds us, it's best to start at the very beginning.
For the past two years, I've been the happiest I've ever been. Every day felt like Christmas Eve...you know, that feeling of magic and wonder and...just...happy. That was because I had met the love of my life, my soul mate, Chris.
Ours was not the conventional relationship. I lived in Maryland and he was stationed in Arizona (Army). The night we met was two weeks before he was due to deploy to Iraq for his second tour. Even with that GIANT looming event, we decided to pursue this relationship. It wasn't easy but because of his job I was lucky enough to get emails every day. We averaged about 500 emails a day. He came home in October for a two week r&r and that was just that; r&r for both of us. We spent every second together during those blissful weeks until we said goodbye for the remaining eight months of his deployment. Though it was hard, we learned a ton about each other. When you remove all the non-talking parts of a relationship, you're forced to just talk to each other. I always said that I still felt lucky since Chris and I were cementing an extremely strong base for this relationship. None of the physical stuff got in the way since we were never physically near each other. Regardless of how unconventional we were, this was the healthiest relationship I had ever had.
Chris returned in June of 2011 and stayed with me for 30 days. I felt like I had come home. I no longer felt as half a person. I was whole; wholly myself, wholly with him, wholly happy. And the best part was we didn't have to TALK anymore. The comfortable silence was such a breath of fresh air (you try coming up with interested topics after talking ALL day long for an ENTIRE year, haha). We traveled to Myrtle Beach for a little getaway and did couple-y things that we missed out on. Pure bliss.
On July 3rd Chris proposed. I'll have to save the details for another post on just how he did it, but, just know that it involved a hangover and a cop car. Again, unconventional, but wonderful. I said yes and couldn't wait to start planning my life with him.
The following months were a whirlwind of wedding plans, texts instead of emails, visit-when-we-can trips, and Chris' transfer to Fort Gordon, GA in December. We were SO excited for this move since it put us on the same coast and in the same time zone. Not to mention he was close enough that driving was an option as far as visits. Plus, I liked the idea of living in Georgia. Augusta was close enough to Myrtle Beach and Charleston and other places I had always wanted to travel to. I was also pleasantly surprised that the shopping in Augusta wasn't bad. I was good to go, as far as moving there after we were married. The only caveat was that I had to quit my job and leave my best friend. But, I was ready to soldier on.
Chris managed to visit at least once a month after his move. I couldn't travel down there after my trip for New Years since we were doing wedding things in Maryland. He didn't mind, however, since he loved to drive. His last trip here was Memorial Day weekend. I was supposed to go to Ocean City for a girls trip but we had had a little tiff a few weeks prior and if he couldn't come up for that weekend, we weren't sure the next time we would see each other. So I stayed. We celebrated our two year anniversary a few weeks late by going to Kings Dominion. Neither one of us had been on a roller coaster in God knows how long, nor had we ever been with a significant other. Lots of firsts for that trip. We also managed to get some more wedding stuff checked off the list. It really was a great weekend. One I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Chris left and life went back to back to it's droll, usual self. Then it turned out that Chris had a 3-day weekend coming up the weekend of June 15th. At first, Chris had told me that it would be better for him financially to come up at the end of the month for our three month visit with our priest for the wedding. I was bummed but I understood. Then that Thursday we were texting and he asked if I would like him to come up. "Umm....DUH!" I told him. It wasn't set in stone but we were hopeful that he would be able to leave Friday morning to make the trek up here. All day and evening I kept telling him how excited I was that he was coming. He cautioned that I shouldn't get TOO excited, since there was still a small chance he wouldn't be able to come. He really had no idea what that would mean after that day.
Thursday evening I had gone to a work happy hour with 3 of my coworkers. We had a blast (as usual) and headed home around 9:30. My phone started to die a little bit but I managed to let Chris know that I had gotten to my car at 10:52. As soon as I got into my car I plugged my phone in to let it charge. For some reason, anytime I use my car charger I lose service. But it was really no biggie since Chris knew I was okay and he was at a friends house. At 11:06 I got a text from Chris saying "Glad you made it...you okay?"... "Yeah I'm good baby", I replied. At 11:16, I let him know I was home. I got ready for bed and at 11:20 I called to say goodnight but he didn't answer. I gave him some time and then at 11:27 I texted "I'm going to bed. Wanna say goodnight babe?". And I got nothing. Finding that odd, I called again and got no answer. At 11:35 I texted "Okay well goodnight baby. Love you and let me know when you're home :-* :-*" and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep very well since we ALWAYS say goodnight and I still had gotten no word from him.
At 2:30 am my phone rang and it was his grandmother. "Chris is dying..." she said.
And he did. As of June 15th, a month after our 2 year anniversary, Chris was declared brain dead from an accidental gunshot wound.
I've dealt with a lot of death in my life. My grandmother when I was 10, several friends in high school and in college, a boyfriend's little sister, my grandfather (the sister and my grandfather went in the same week), and then that boyfriend (an ex at this point) passed away in March of 2011. But this.....this was just unnecessary and ridiculous. This I was not prepared for. I'm still not prepared for it.
I've been ripped in half. Broken beyond repair.
And the question I am left with is, why? Why did this happen? Why him? Why me? Why keep him safe for 2 tours in Iraq, just to have him ripped away this way? Why did I bother praying for God to keep him safe? Why bother to give him to me if he was just going to be taken away? Why is death my "gift?" WHY?!?!
I am in darkness, chasing the idea of light.
Will I ever find it?
I still don't know how to begin......
So, as Julie Andrews reminds us, it's best to start at the very beginning.
For the past two years, I've been the happiest I've ever been. Every day felt like Christmas Eve...you know, that feeling of magic and wonder and...just...happy. That was because I had met the love of my life, my soul mate, Chris.
Ours was not the conventional relationship. I lived in Maryland and he was stationed in Arizona (Army). The night we met was two weeks before he was due to deploy to Iraq for his second tour. Even with that GIANT looming event, we decided to pursue this relationship. It wasn't easy but because of his job I was lucky enough to get emails every day. We averaged about 500 emails a day. He came home in October for a two week r&r and that was just that; r&r for both of us. We spent every second together during those blissful weeks until we said goodbye for the remaining eight months of his deployment. Though it was hard, we learned a ton about each other. When you remove all the non-talking parts of a relationship, you're forced to just talk to each other. I always said that I still felt lucky since Chris and I were cementing an extremely strong base for this relationship. None of the physical stuff got in the way since we were never physically near each other. Regardless of how unconventional we were, this was the healthiest relationship I had ever had.
Chris returned in June of 2011 and stayed with me for 30 days. I felt like I had come home. I no longer felt as half a person. I was whole; wholly myself, wholly with him, wholly happy. And the best part was we didn't have to TALK anymore. The comfortable silence was such a breath of fresh air (you try coming up with interested topics after talking ALL day long for an ENTIRE year, haha). We traveled to Myrtle Beach for a little getaway and did couple-y things that we missed out on. Pure bliss.
On July 3rd Chris proposed. I'll have to save the details for another post on just how he did it, but, just know that it involved a hangover and a cop car. Again, unconventional, but wonderful. I said yes and couldn't wait to start planning my life with him.
The following months were a whirlwind of wedding plans, texts instead of emails, visit-when-we-can trips, and Chris' transfer to Fort Gordon, GA in December. We were SO excited for this move since it put us on the same coast and in the same time zone. Not to mention he was close enough that driving was an option as far as visits. Plus, I liked the idea of living in Georgia. Augusta was close enough to Myrtle Beach and Charleston and other places I had always wanted to travel to. I was also pleasantly surprised that the shopping in Augusta wasn't bad. I was good to go, as far as moving there after we were married. The only caveat was that I had to quit my job and leave my best friend. But, I was ready to soldier on.
Chris managed to visit at least once a month after his move. I couldn't travel down there after my trip for New Years since we were doing wedding things in Maryland. He didn't mind, however, since he loved to drive. His last trip here was Memorial Day weekend. I was supposed to go to Ocean City for a girls trip but we had had a little tiff a few weeks prior and if he couldn't come up for that weekend, we weren't sure the next time we would see each other. So I stayed. We celebrated our two year anniversary a few weeks late by going to Kings Dominion. Neither one of us had been on a roller coaster in God knows how long, nor had we ever been with a significant other. Lots of firsts for that trip. We also managed to get some more wedding stuff checked off the list. It really was a great weekend. One I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Chris left and life went back to back to it's droll, usual self. Then it turned out that Chris had a 3-day weekend coming up the weekend of June 15th. At first, Chris had told me that it would be better for him financially to come up at the end of the month for our three month visit with our priest for the wedding. I was bummed but I understood. Then that Thursday we were texting and he asked if I would like him to come up. "Umm....DUH!" I told him. It wasn't set in stone but we were hopeful that he would be able to leave Friday morning to make the trek up here. All day and evening I kept telling him how excited I was that he was coming. He cautioned that I shouldn't get TOO excited, since there was still a small chance he wouldn't be able to come. He really had no idea what that would mean after that day.
Thursday evening I had gone to a work happy hour with 3 of my coworkers. We had a blast (as usual) and headed home around 9:30. My phone started to die a little bit but I managed to let Chris know that I had gotten to my car at 10:52. As soon as I got into my car I plugged my phone in to let it charge. For some reason, anytime I use my car charger I lose service. But it was really no biggie since Chris knew I was okay and he was at a friends house. At 11:06 I got a text from Chris saying "Glad you made it...you okay?"... "Yeah I'm good baby", I replied. At 11:16, I let him know I was home. I got ready for bed and at 11:20 I called to say goodnight but he didn't answer. I gave him some time and then at 11:27 I texted "I'm going to bed. Wanna say goodnight babe?". And I got nothing. Finding that odd, I called again and got no answer. At 11:35 I texted "Okay well goodnight baby. Love you and let me know when you're home :-* :-*" and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep very well since we ALWAYS say goodnight and I still had gotten no word from him.
At 2:30 am my phone rang and it was his grandmother. "Chris is dying..." she said.
And he did. As of June 15th, a month after our 2 year anniversary, Chris was declared brain dead from an accidental gunshot wound.
I've dealt with a lot of death in my life. My grandmother when I was 10, several friends in high school and in college, a boyfriend's little sister, my grandfather (the sister and my grandfather went in the same week), and then that boyfriend (an ex at this point) passed away in March of 2011. But this.....this was just unnecessary and ridiculous. This I was not prepared for. I'm still not prepared for it.
I've been ripped in half. Broken beyond repair.
And the question I am left with is, why? Why did this happen? Why him? Why me? Why keep him safe for 2 tours in Iraq, just to have him ripped away this way? Why did I bother praying for God to keep him safe? Why bother to give him to me if he was just going to be taken away? Why is death my "gift?" WHY?!?!
I am in darkness, chasing the idea of light.
Will I ever find it?
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