Greetings from gloomy, wet, loud and UTTERLY FANTASTIC Baltimore! And don't worry, none of those things have happened...yet.
I'm very sorry that I've been gone for so long. The past month has been quite the whirlwind. My show opened and closed, I started my new job and moved. I can't tell you how exhausted I've been through all of this, but, it has been amazing. And the people who have helped me have been amazing.
I feel like myself. A feeling that I've been slowly getting back over these months. But now, being on my own in my own space, in a city that I really began my adult life, I feel like I've been catapulted into normalcy. It's quite nice.
And, dare I say it, I feel like I've begun to forgive Chris. Not all the way, but, slightly. I have a lot of time to myself here and any time I'm alone for long periods of time I tend to think about ev.er.y.th.ing. Especially when I'm trying to go to sleep. I find myself thinking about him. Remembering things. I even attempt to miss him but then my mind/body/heart is all "HELL TO THE NO!" and then I'm over it. The sadness isn't there and neither is the fire. It's just.....it is what it is.
And it is happy. I am happy.
I'm also nervous just being back out on my own again. It's been three years and this time I am COMPLETELY on my own. I have no roommates to fall back on. But I can do it. I feel it in my gut that everything will work out.
This year has been so exciting so far and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was wary. To be honest, I didn't let myself get excited about moving into my place until after my check cleared. It's silly, I know, but too many times in my life I've been let down at the very last moment. It's a lesson I've had to learn time and time again but this time I think I've got it. So I'm good, God. I am gooooooood. I'm picking up what you're putting down.
I also feel a bit guilty being so happy. There have been a lot of people around me who have experienced hurt and disappointment. It's hard for me being 100% COMPLETELY happy. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to stop hurting. But that's the lesson, isn't it? When good things happen to you, you must keep your eye on everyone else? Be thankful for the good things you've been given but want everyone else to share it. Either that or it's a flaw of mine; happy for what I've been given but feeling like I'm not worthy. Good gracious I'm a mess. But a happy mess!
All in all things are wonderful. Thank you all for your love and well wishes!
...And I promise Baltimore/ That some day when I take the floor/ The world's gonna wake up and see/ Gonna wake up and see/ Baltimore and me...
