“That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”.
Ugh. Whatever, Bill.
So, as I have hinted on some of my social media accounts as well as gushing like a 13 year old girl, I am dating someone. We’ve been seeing each other for two months now and I like to say it’s serious, in that neither one of us is seeing anyone else. Also, he drives up every weekend to see me. Future plans are made well in advance and it’s just assumed that that’s just the way it’s going to be. However, something curious happened over the weekend.
We spent the day doing some fun stuff around the city, which included some cocktails (because, Baltimore) and I was feeling the liquid courage. When we got home, we were sitting on the couch and here’s what happened…
Me: So, since I’m slightly intoxicated and can’t be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth, can I be your girlfriend now?
M: *Big shit eating/patronizing grin* Awwww…..
Me: *stomaching falling out of butt* ha…well…that’s not really the reaction I was expecting *cue panic*
M: *puts hand on my face* You’re so beautiful…
Me: EW don’t compliment me now! *straight.up.dying.inside*
M: Haha oh my god stop!
Me: I’m sorry I brought it up. Just forget I said anything…
M: Well, what’s wrong with the way things are now?
Me: Nothing. I’m just used to defining things after some time, I’m not used to just ‘going with the flow’. I know that for all intents and purposes we are in a relationship, but, I mean, how am I supposed to introduce you to someone? ‘This is my FRIEND, M?’
M: Hmm…I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. But isn’t it kind of High School? Like, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’
Me: I don’t think so. But nevermind.
So, in true ME fashion, I panicked the rest of the evening. Every now and then saying “Sorry if I made things weird now” which would receive a “Oh my God, stop” from M. And I mean, everything was normal. He was super cuddly and cooked me a fantastic breakfast the next morning. But, I’m a mess.
I don’t understand his reaction. Why the hesitation? We essentially ARE what define a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Plus, all of his friends call me M’s girlfriend. Why can’t he? What’s the big deal?
But on the other side of the argument, what is the big deal that I need for him to call me his girlfriend? It’s just a word, right? Wrong. For me, the title carries a level of respect to the relationship. I’m not some girl that he hangs out with. I am someone whom he spends a decent amount of time with. I need that security that that word can guarantee. As a functioning and realistic person who understands that people are people and they’re going to do what they want to do, one would hope that both people in the relationship would respect the title and what that relationship means.
Again, people, I get it. I got a big ol’ FUCK YOU when I was titled a fiancé so I know girlfriend is not going to stop anything. Here’s my thing, though, I need to have the conversation so both parties have the chance to both come to mutual understanding that they are in a relationship that is to be only between them and that there has to be that respect. As it stands right now, he owes me nothing and vice versa. If he were to do something with someone else, I technically cannot be angry as we have not established that we are in a monogamous relationship, other than me casually asking a handful of weeks ago if he was seeing anyone else (which he isn’t).
This is my first “relationship” since all the bullshit happened. It’s terrifying. I find that I panic really easily about stupid stuff and my mind is constantly going. I worry that I say too much and that I will drive him away. I know that my life will not end if we stop seeing each other, but, I’ve grown to really like this kid and I don’t want to lose it. I have to stop myself if I mentally question if what he’s saying to me is the truth. I have to remind myself that I must not hold him responsible for someone else’s crime. I need to remind myself that I did not drive Chris to cheat and that not everyone will do that to me. I need to remember that not everyone thinks like me.
What I really need is to get the fuck out of my own head.
I know everything will work out either way and it’s really not the end of the world. All I can surmise is that I DETEST DATING!