Today I received the letter that details who/where Chris' heart and liver went to.
I've had a really hard time with this since the beginning. I recognize and understand the "gift" and all the good that this choice can do, and ultimately, has done. But it still is something I don't find joy in.
The week of D Day, my cousin T was here visiting. T is a registered nurse at the Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh so she has seen a fair share of trauma and "gift" giving. After it happened and I spoke with the donor company, T tried to make me understand how wonderful donation is and all the good she has seen it do. In fact, she got emotional just talking about it. I told her that day, and I feel the same now, that I understand that it is good. But I don't feel the good. I don't get joy from it.
The letter states,
"Christopher's liver was transplanted into a 54 year-old man from Georgia. He is married and has two children. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the transplant waiting list since May of this year and that the liver functioned immediately. This gentleman has been discharged from the hospital.
Your fiance's heart was able to help a 51 year-old man from Georgia. He is married, with three stepdaughters, and works as a mechanic. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the waiting list for two months and has been discharged from the hospital in good condition."
Now, both of these men could easily be my father. My dad turned 53 this year. But that still doesn't make it better. And these men were only on the transplant list for a couple of months. What about the people who are on the list for years? I may not know the level of their conditions but it bothers me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't feel good because Chris' heart and Chris' liver are still supposed to be in his body. He is supposed to be giving me his heart on September 22nd. It isn't supposed to be in this man's body. This man that I don't know that doesn't live in the state that Chris is from.
I feel like Georgia stole him from me. Parts of his body, parts of him, parts of me that I will never get back.
It's so unfair.
The letter also says that I can write to the recipient and their family if i so wish. To tell them about Chris and tell them about me. Part of me would really like to do that but I'm afraid that I won't get a response. And I don't know how badly that will hurt. I've already given so much of myself in this and have gotten so little back that I don't know if further rejection will bother me.
I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?
I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to get letters like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think about this.
How is this "The Greatest Gift" when it hurts so much? When will everyone be done taking from me?
