I've been waiting for the "right" time to start this blog. I named it over a week ago and just couldn't find the "right" words to begin.
I still don't know how to begin......
So, as Julie Andrews reminds us, it's best to start at the very beginning.
For the past two years, I've been the happiest I've ever been. Every day felt like Christmas Eve...you know, that feeling of magic and wonder and...just...happy. That was because I had met the love of my life, my soul mate, Chris.
Ours was not the conventional relationship. I lived in Maryland and he was stationed in Arizona (Army). The night we met was two weeks before he was due to deploy to Iraq for his second tour. Even with that GIANT looming event, we decided to pursue this relationship. It wasn't easy but because of his job I was lucky enough to get emails every day. We averaged about 500 emails a day. He came home in October for a two week r&r and that was just that; r&r for both of us. We spent every second together during those blissful weeks until we said goodbye for the remaining eight months of his deployment. Though it was hard, we learned a ton about each other. When you remove all the non-talking parts of a relationship, you're forced to just talk to each other. I always said that I still felt lucky since Chris and I were cementing an extremely strong base for this relationship. None of the physical stuff got in the way since we were never physically near each other. Regardless of how unconventional we were, this was the healthiest relationship I had ever had.
Chris returned in June of 2011 and stayed with me for 30 days. I felt like I had come home. I no longer felt as half a person. I was whole; wholly myself, wholly with him, wholly happy. And the best part was we didn't have to TALK anymore. The comfortable silence was such a breath of fresh air (you try coming up with interested topics after talking ALL day long for an ENTIRE year, haha). We traveled to Myrtle Beach for a little getaway and did couple-y things that we missed out on. Pure bliss.
On July 3rd Chris proposed. I'll have to save the details for another post on just how he did it, but, just know that it involved a hangover and a cop car. Again, unconventional, but wonderful. I said yes and couldn't wait to start planning my life with him.
The following months were a whirlwind of wedding plans, texts instead of emails, visit-when-we-can trips, and Chris' transfer to Fort Gordon, GA in December. We were SO excited for this move since it put us on the same coast and in the same time zone. Not to mention he was close enough that driving was an option as far as visits. Plus, I liked the idea of living in Georgia. Augusta was close enough to Myrtle Beach and Charleston and other places I had always wanted to travel to. I was also pleasantly surprised that the shopping in Augusta wasn't bad. I was good to go, as far as moving there after we were married. The only caveat was that I had to quit my job and leave my best friend. But, I was ready to soldier on.
Chris managed to visit at least once a month after his move. I couldn't travel down there after my trip for New Years since we were doing wedding things in Maryland. He didn't mind, however, since he loved to drive. His last trip here was Memorial Day weekend. I was supposed to go to Ocean City for a girls trip but we had had a little tiff a few weeks prior and if he couldn't come up for that weekend, we weren't sure the next time we would see each other. So I stayed. We celebrated our two year anniversary a few weeks late by going to Kings Dominion. Neither one of us had been on a roller coaster in God knows how long, nor had we ever been with a significant other. Lots of firsts for that trip. We also managed to get some more wedding stuff checked off the list. It really was a great weekend. One I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Chris left and life went back to back to it's droll, usual self. Then it turned out that Chris had a 3-day weekend coming up the weekend of June 15th. At first, Chris had told me that it would be better for him financially to come up at the end of the month for our three month visit with our priest for the wedding. I was bummed but I understood. Then that Thursday we were texting and he asked if I would like him to come up. "Umm....DUH!" I told him. It wasn't set in stone but we were hopeful that he would be able to leave Friday morning to make the trek up here. All day and evening I kept telling him how excited I was that he was coming. He cautioned that I shouldn't get TOO excited, since there was still a small chance he wouldn't be able to come. He really had no idea what that would mean after that day.
Thursday evening I had gone to a work happy hour with 3 of my coworkers. We had a blast (as usual) and headed home around 9:30. My phone started to die a little bit but I managed to let Chris know that I had gotten to my car at 10:52. As soon as I got into my car I plugged my phone in to let it charge. For some reason, anytime I use my car charger I lose service. But it was really no biggie since Chris knew I was okay and he was at a friends house. At 11:06 I got a text from Chris saying "Glad you made it...you okay?"... "Yeah I'm good baby", I replied. At 11:16, I let him know I was home. I got ready for bed and at 11:20 I called to say goodnight but he didn't answer. I gave him some time and then at 11:27 I texted "I'm going to bed. Wanna say goodnight babe?". And I got nothing. Finding that odd, I called again and got no answer. At 11:35 I texted "Okay well goodnight baby. Love you and let me know when you're home :-* :-*" and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep very well since we ALWAYS say goodnight and I still had gotten no word from him.
At 2:30 am my phone rang and it was his grandmother. "Chris is dying..." she said.
And he did. As of June 15th, a month after our 2 year anniversary, Chris was declared brain dead from an accidental gunshot wound.
I've dealt with a lot of death in my life. My grandmother when I was 10, several friends in high school and in college, a boyfriend's little sister, my grandfather (the sister and my grandfather went in the same week), and then that boyfriend (an ex at this point) passed away in March of 2011. But this.....this was just unnecessary and ridiculous. This I was not prepared for. I'm still not prepared for it.
I've been ripped in half. Broken beyond repair.
And the question I am left with is, why? Why did this happen? Why him? Why me? Why keep him safe for 2 tours in Iraq, just to have him ripped away this way? Why did I bother praying for God to keep him safe? Why bother to give him to me if he was just going to be taken away? Why is death my "gift?" WHY?!?!
I am in darkness, chasing the idea of light.
Will I ever find it?
