The Fool

Well, my feeling of power and positivity was rather fleeting. I'm kind of back where I was; confused, angry, sad.....numb. I have found that I'm starting to become numb. And I don't really know how I feel about that. On one hand I feel like it's good because in a way it's like stuff isn't bothering me anymore. But on the other hand it worries me. Numb equals the inability to feel. This may make me sound like a masochist, but, even if I'm feeling hurt, I still want to feel.

What brings all this on, you ask? Here, I'll show you.

This is the latest hate speech I've received from the Grandmother:

·  Anne posted toChris

Sunday

Rachel, you are so sincerely insecure and immature. The message I sent was in reference to something someone else sent, someone you know. The message was sent with the love he had for his mom, whom you never knew nor knew of the relationship the two of them had. You were never even in mind when this was written. Where do you come off thinking it was about you? Again, it's all about Rachel. Mo

st of us have lives and views without thinking that it's all about us. Do you ever go through a day without so much hate and anger??? What you should do is embrace the fact that he had such a great relationship with his mother. This certainly would have been advantagious to you had the two of you had been married and she would have been alive. I do hope one day you will see how your attitude towards me specifically, and possibly the rest of our family, only hurt you in the long run. It could have been so different. His first and second wives knew all about him and his life and understood him completly. As it stands now, I still have a wonderful friendship with the two of them and we do keep in contact all the time. I wish it could have been differerent with you.

So, when I originally read this, I just kind of shook my head. It really didn't incite the rage in me that previous posts had. More or less, I know this woman is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL nut-job and she has no idea what she's talking about. But being the glutton for punishment that I am, I texted a close friend of Chris' and asked what all this crap about him having a second wife was about. I got "What about her? She was a contract wife. I've had one". 

................................................

Now, I know what a contract wife is. If you don't, basically the guy and the girl agree to get married for the benefits and the money. There is nothing romantic going on nor do the couple typically live together. It's essentially a business merger, the most basic form of marriage. This does not bother me. I find it sad but it's whatever. The part that bothers me is that Chris told me that he was SUPPOSED to enter into a contract marriage with a girl but then he met me so he told the girl that they weren't going to do it anymore. So why is it that everyone is saying that he actually DID marry this girl?

I feel duped. I feel lied to. I feel like such a fool. I feel angry at Chris for lying to me. I feel angry that I'm questioning him. I feel so lost and confused.

I don't know who or what to believe. And everyone keeps saying, "Just believe in the love that you and Chris shared and the fact that he loved you". And yes, while that is all well and good, how do I believe in that if our love was sort of based on a lie? 

In my heart of hearts I don't think he lied. I'm sure something messed up some place, somewhere, or something. And I know the person he was and he wouldn't do that to me. But it's just so hard because he's not here to answer my questions or to assuage my fear. I will never know the truth and that's what kills me about this whole situation. There are too many god damned questions that I won't ever get answers to.

It just makes me not want to believe in people or in relationships. I was lied to about an ex's alcoholism, I was lied to about this, I was lied to about another ex's feelings of me. I just want someone to love me enough to tell me the truth. To be so honest that there isn't a shadow of a doubt about how they feel, what they've done, or anything. When I am in a relationship, I am in it. I want to believe in that person so much and do anything I can to make them happy. I think what hurts the most that in this relationship with Chris, he was hands down the love of my life. I sacrificed so much and relied on a promise. A promise that in the end he would take care of me and that would be together. And I waited. For two years and one month. On a promise. On his word. And it terrifies me that I may have believed in a liar. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

I just want it all to end.

Sometimes It Pays To Be A Drama Queen

Here's the post you've all been waiting for....

I believe that I have alluded to the troubles my family and I have been having with the caterer that we had chosen for my wedding. Basically they effed up by not putting anything in their contract about what happens when a client cancels their date, so we're due back our money. Well, we've only gotten half back and the woman who owns the business has been a complete ASSHOLE, stating that she hasn't gotten proof that "the guy is dead". You can read all the details on my yelp review.

Thursday after I had gotten home from work, my dad told me that he spoke with Caroline and she threw that lovely nugget of a comment at him. Now, my dad has a very colorful way with words and so I'm sure she got a pretty good idea of how my dad feels about her and the situation. He also dug out one of the programs from Chris' battalion ceremony in GA and said, "I got this out so if you'd like to go by there tomorrow and give this bitch her proof, you can go right ahead". "Oh, she's gonna get god damn proof alright..."

And then the drama queen planning began.

Now, I don't like confrontation. I'm really bad at it, especially if it's with women and if I'm sober. I panic about what the other person is going to say and I'm just not used to fighting with women. I grew up with all boys so that shit is cake. You literally just challenge their man-hood and out-wit them and you're good. It has been proven that I have earned my big man-balls when it comes to fighting with dudes.....but I digress. So, you can imagine that while I was FIRED.UP. Thursday night, my confidence began to wane as Friday went on. I played out the scenario over and over in my head and may have made a few notes about what I would say. Kind of a script, if you will. And I was gonna lay the guilt on so goooooooooooodddddddd.

I drove over to their house/place of business after I got off work. The last time I went over there, Caroline was home and her husband wasn't so I was fully prepared/nervous to talk to her. I pulled up in the driveway and prepared my proof: The battalion ceremony program, the obituary in the newspaper, Chris' dog tags and one of the bags of his clothes.

That's right. A bag of his clothes. Gotta go big or go home right?

High on nerves and rage, I marched around the house and to their front door. I plopped the bag down and had it open so a couple of his shirts were exposed. I knocked on the door and the husband, Hassan, answered. He REEKED of alcohol and had only the top two buttons of his shirt buttoned, so that I could see ALL KINDS of belly. I was thoroughly grossed out but I wasn't going to let this break my concentration.

Me: Is Caroline here?
Hassan: No she isn't.
Me: Well, Hassan, I guess you got the short of the stick in this situation. I am here because your wife has twice demanded that she needed proof that "the guy is dead". So, here I am. I have his program from the ceremony in GA, his obituary, his dog tags and a bag of his clothes since he won't be needing them anymore. Is this thorough enough for you?
Hassan: *makes hand gestures trying to get me to stop* No really, this isn't necessa-
Me: No. You don't get to talk. You've been talking for months now. It's my turn to talk. You're wife is disgusting. Do you have ANY idea how that makes me feel that she's demanding proof?!?! What kind of person does that?!?! My family is being treated appallingly and the fact that she has said this TWICE is beyond offensive. And then to act like she's sorry when it's to my face??!? I don't think so! I don't particularly have an issue with you, Hassan, but I have an issue how you run your business and I have a huge fucking problem with your disgusting wife.
Hassan: I'm so sorry. I haven't even talked to my wife, I don't-
Me: This has been going on since June 16th! You were notified the day after it happen. It's OCTOBER! That's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed that you run your business this way and I'm embarrassed that I chose you. Do you realize that on top of my grief and mourning that I now have to deal with this stress on top of everything else? Because you all can't run your business, I am unable to put to rest this fucking circus of a wedding. THE DATE IS PASSED!
Hassan: I will call your father immediately. 301-***-****. 301-***-****
Me: The fact that you have that number memorized just shows that this has gone on way too long. And I hope you do call him and figure this out. I also expect a personal apology from your disgusting wife.
Hassan: Look, I'm-
Me: Do you all also realize I'm 26. And I'm alone. (At this point I am shaking from all the rage and I can feel tears prickiling in my cheeks. "PLEASE LET ME CRY!" I kept thinking.) I have to COMPLETELY start over. Do you know how that feels? No. You don't. You got to get married and have children. I wasn't afforded that luxury. So thanks for making this situation a total and complete loss, not to mention a total and complete hell.
Hassan: I'm so sorry *gestures for hug*
Me: Don't touch me. I am leaving.

And I grabbed my bag and made my dramatic departure.

No sooner than when I got in my car and called my dad, he was already on the phone. He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he had just gotten off the phone with Hassan. He said that Hassan apologized profusely and that he would talk to Caroline and call my dad in the morning with a plan. Which, kind of happened but the phone call didn't happen until the afternoon. Hassan said that he would pay us something when he gets paid Thursday or Friday.

I gotta tell ya, THAT FELT AWESOME! I felt like I had freed some of the rage that I've had inside me the past four months. I was a little bummed that I couldn't do that to Caroline but oh well. That was probably a gift since I might have choked up a bit with her, but, who knows. I felt glorious and composed during my rage purge. Not to mention, clever as SHIT with my "props" (feel a little guilty calling them props but the thespian in me can't help it. i set one dramatic scene).

I'll be sure to keep you updated on it we actually get our money this week and if I get my apology. I've already cooked up my response :-)

The Yankee Swings and He Misses

Hidey-ho blog-readers!

A change of pace! This entry might ACTUALLY  be humorous! HUZZAH! But don't worry, I've still got plenty of drama. Chris' grandmother is being an uber C again. Say it with me now, yaaayyyyyyy!

As you have been reading, I was seeing the Yankee. Things were going "really" well and then they just stopped. Literally. I haven't heard from him in....two weeks? Maybe three? I've lost count. And before I get there, I feel that I need to fill you in on some details:

• He's 31
• From New York
• Doesn't want to stay in this county
• Catholic
• Family sounds relatively normal
• Has a vehicle (trust me, this NEEDS to be on my list)
• Has a pretty good job
• Has his a Masters degree and wants to get his Doctorate
• Physically fit 
• Of Irish decent
• Plays sports on the side
• HIS MOM IS BFF WITH BETSY HILFIGER- TOMMY HILFIGER'S WIFE!
• His family is loaded

Now, a few of those things on that list I do not generally require (especially if you look at my past track record of boyfriends.....heh) but they were a nice bonus. ESPECIALLY the Hilfiger part. When he told me that, I thought to myself "I need to make this work at least until I meet them...." Haha...totally kidding!......or not....But, as you can see, he's great on paper. It's just the coming OFF the paper is where we had the problems.

He's a winker. Like, he winks. ALL.THE.TIME. I have never encountered that before and I HATED it. It made him seem so car-salesman-ish. Very smarmy. And usually my M.O. is to call the guy out on stuff that I don't particularly care for, and they either fall in love with me right then and there or they can't handle it. This time, however, I decided to be "nice" and not say anything. But truthfully, the winks made a piece of my soul shrivel and die with ever closed eyelid. He did triple-wink me one time (yes, I said triple-wink) and I couldn't help myself. "What was that?!", I said. "Haha, what?". I'm like, really dude? But I said "The triple wink you just gave me", and he was like "Oh, ya like that, huh?" And I said "No! You look like you got stuck! Are you having a spasm?". And then he just laughed. I laughed as well........at him.

The kissing. Umm......how do I say this? The kissing itself isn't SO bad per se, however, he would position his nose in such a way that it would stab me in the face. Like, it hurt. Bad. Do me a favor- extend your hand like you're going to backhand someone and then stab your face with your finger tips, a la "Bridesmaids". And he doesn't even have a huge shnozz! It's almost as if he doesn't know how to use it! But I would try to reposition my face in such away that would relieve the pain but then it would just end up in my eye. And stay in my eye. Which, I have a hard time understanding. I mean, I have eyelashes. Like, a lot of them. Soooo.....how would he not know that he was in my eyeball?

He also sweats profusely. Now, that really isn't an issue. I find it a liiiiitle bit gross but guys usually operate on a temperature that is slightly higher than us ladies. But it becomes an issue when you're in a situation and some of his sweat drips into your eyeball. So I'm laying there, trying to focus on the kissing while I've got sweat in one eye and a nose in the other. I'm like frickin' Popeye. He looked away for a minute so I took that as my opportunity to try to wipe away the sweat and then I'm like, "Shit! Now he's gonna think I'm crying!" So I quickly stop that. Well, after that little makeout sesh, I go into the bathroom and my hair was completely straight when we started. After, the hair framing my face  was completely curly. SO GROSS!

And oh God, the dancing. THE DANCING! *facepalm*

Now, all of these things I was willing to overlook. You can politely encourage change sometimes, haha. The beginning of the end was because I was beginning to be used for lunch money (in a sense) and he started to kind of blow me off.

He had taken us to some really nice dinners so I offered a few times to pick up lunch. Well, as of two weeks ago, I had paid for the last four or five lunches we had. Again, not so much of a problem but he became very fond of a little cafe that I like that tends to be a little expensive. I'm talking $18, $19 lunches and I can't afford to do that three or four times a week. Strike one.

Strike two, the first time we actually DID have lunch after a good week and a half of not seeing each other (work drama), he complained about being broke. And this was after he told me he had just bought the brand new shirt and tie that he was wearing from Brooks Brothers. I just turned and looked at him and said "Dude, you make about $20 to $30 grand more than I do. And I just paid for lunch", and left it at that. Then we went to dinner the following day. When it came time to pay, he started patting his pockets. As soon as that started I knew what was coming. "We might have a problem..." he said. "And what problem would that be?" I replied. "I don't have my money clip...". I hope to God I had a look on my face because at that point I was pissed. I just looked at him and said "Don't worry....I got it." And he goes "Are you sure?" AM I SURE?!?! What other alternative did we have?!?! Ughhh....... Then we get back to my house and he goes "Well, if you would like, maybe we could do something.....I mean, if you wanted to". At that point I was so frickin' irritated and he would preface EVERYTHING like that! At first I thought he was just trying not to push me but at that point he should know better. So I turned to him and said "Why don't you just say that you want to see me?" And he looked at him like I was speaking chinese. So I continued, "You never just flat out say that you want to see me or spend time with me", and he goes "Well, I just don't want you to feel pressured to hang out with me if you get a better offer." .......Dudes, he was serious. I was like, "What better offer? That doesn't make sense!". So he goes "Fine, I want to see you tomorrow." and I was like "See? That wasn't so hard".

Strike three. All day Thursday we texted and everything seemed fine. After work I offered to come hang out with him while he was working an after school event (mind you, he works at a school that is five minutes from my house). He told me no because he was in the booth working the scoreboard and blah blah blah. So I told him that if he wanted, SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND MONEY, he could come by after the event and have some dinner since we had leftover homemade food (I should also mention that he eats out for every meal. No, I'm not kidding.). He said that that sounded really good, so, I thought I'd get to see him. He texts me at around 930 or 945 to tell me that he's done. "Yay! Now the question is, will I get to see you?", I respond. He goes, "Haha, oh beautiful..."

..........................

..........................................

Number 1: Way to be a condescending asshole.
Number 2: The only time he would call me beautiful is when he was telling me goodnight or telling me no.

So, I respond, "Yeah. That's a no". And then he sends me this big long thing how he's tired and blah blah blah. Again, he is right around the corner from my house and he could pass me on his way home. Stop in for five minutes and then head home. But, NOPE! I get a big long goodnight text too but I didn't say anything. Well, I didn't hear from him until 1130 the next day. "Lunch?". That's it. Nothing else. So, I said "Sorry, I can't today" and I have never heard from him again.

Seriously. Crickets, lol. Which I find to be HILARIOUS since the week before he was telling me how he wanted me to meet his parents, lol. Like, I'm not even mad. I'm kind of impressed, haha. Never have I experienced this with a guy, this staying power.

So, that's done I guess. Eh, oh well. At least I got it out of the way.

wedDing Day

September 22nd was indeed a D Day. I, in no way, could have prepared myself for what happened, how it happened, or why.

The tears starting making their presence early Friday as I started getting a flood of "Hey....how are you holding up?" texts and emails. I also had to call Arlington National Cemetery to find out exactly where Chris was buried because I couldn't remember from the last time I was there. The man on the phone was very nice and I had to stop talking and clear my throat a few times to make sure I didn't lose it on the phone with him. Luckily I was successful and made it until I put the phone handset back on its cradle. "Ugh...", I thought, "this is going to be a fantastic day".

I made it through the rest of my work day dry-eyed so that was good. I also hung out with The Yankee for a bit and all I did was apologize for how weird I was being, haha. Before we left to go run some errands I must have changed my outfit six times, and God bless him, he didn't say a word. The whole evening he was very reassuring and calm. Haha, poor thing, he was probably panicking the whole time. At the end of the night he gave me a sweet kiss and told me to text him if I needed anything. I thought to myself "HA....you have no idea....".

I tossed and turned all night and woke up before my alarm at 7. The cemetery opens at 8 am every day so I wanted to get there as early as I could. I got up and fished out a gray sweater that I bought Chris last year that happens to also look pretty decent on me and wore it. It was his favorite. If you have access to any of my pictures or go to this blog you can see it because apparently it isn't tacky to have these pictures up still.........but I digress. I headed over to my parents' bar to get the champagne that my dad saved for our wedding. I wanted to bring just enough that he and I could have some together, the way it should have been. I popped the cork and poured it into a water bottle. I may or may not have also had a taste before it was re-corked.

On my way up I stopped at Starbucks and got a iced caramel machiato, another of Chris' favorites, because I imagined that he might have had one that day. And, you know, I felt good. I felt like this was going to be pretty cathartic and sweet in a way. I was also terrified and kept imagining me completely losing my shit at the grave. Well, neither of those things happened. I went to take the exit to the cemetery when I saw that there was a cop blocking the exit. I pulled up next to him and this is how our exchange went,

Me: Excuse me officer, may I ask you a question?
Cop: WHAT?!
Me: ......I'm trying to get to the cemetery....
Cop: Nope. It's closed for the next 3 hours because of a bike race.
Me: Are you kidding?
Cop: Does it look like I'm kidding?
Me: Okie dokie, fuck you too then!

And then I pulled back out into traffic. And I lost it. Completely. I was heartbroken, angry, embarrassed, horrified, frustrated, confused, exasperated, just too many feelings to name. I had no idea how to get myself turned around because I'm not familiar with that area and all I wanted to do was ram my car into the side wall. I didn't, so don't worry. But all I kept thinking was "How could this happen? I couldn't have him in life and I still can't have him in death?!" I also kept thinking that all I wanted to do was go home and set all of his clothes on fire, burn all the photos and just forget that I had ever met him. If I was to have absolutely no interaction with him at all, then so be it. I'd forget. I'm still really angry at him. I don't know who I'm angry with. I'm just angry.

I called my mom and basically yelled and sobbed the entire way home. I went back to the bar and got the rest of the Champagne so I could finish it for breakfast. I got home and you could tell that everyone was on eggshells. I felt bad because my stepmom had cooked a really great breakfast but I couldn't stomach anything but a few potatoes. I could feel myself getting antsy and losing it so I ran up to my room and screamed so hard into my pillow that eventually all that came out was air and sobs. I hate that I can't scream at him. He deserves to hear it.

I went back downstairs and hung out with my brothers for a bit. Them making me laugh and the champagne was making me feel better. We also started gathering our stuff together to go out on our boat. It was absolutely gorgeous day and my parents didn't want me sitting in the house. I didn't want to either.

The rest of the day was going great, I was successfully drunk by 1230 and the boat was so much fun! We decided to go to this local marina restaurant and as we're pulling in, I noticed everyone got kind of weird for a minute. And then I saw it- there was a wedding reception set up on the back deck. Paper wedding bell and everything.

And you know, I had to laugh. I can always appreciate irony and damn if this isn't ironic. All I needed was Alanis Morrissett to show up and sing about ten thousand spoons.

We finished our late lunch there and decided to ride out on the river for a bit and then head down to another local river bar. We had just ordered our drinks when I checked my phone and noticed that I had a comment. And then I saw this:

This is Chris' grandmother. Apparently she is okay with all of Chris' friends and family seeing things like this but apparently I'm not allowed to defend myself and my feelings. So, here ya go.

As soon as I read this I walked over to my parents and read it to them. My parents promptly asked for her telephone number so they could handle it. Now, I should backtrack and tell you that for the last few months, Chris' grandmother has been saying stuff like this to me through texts. She also wrote this long post on my FACEBOOK WALL a few months prior, which I promptly removed and then blocked her from doing so in the future. I have not lashed out at her, nor answered any of the crazy. But, I'm tired of hiding what she's saying. And she clearly wants everyone to know how terrible of a person I am. So, I'm sharing it with you. I'm also sharing with you that after I read this and gave them her number, I went into the bathroom and cried. A lot. I don't understand why this experience has to be so fucking terrible. Like, seriously. This is beyond ridiculous.

When my parents (tried) talked to her, all she did was blame me. Told them that I treat her absolutely horribly (again, haven't spoken to her since July 10th) and all this other delusional stuff. Oh, and the "secrets" that she's referring to? I guess she told my parents that Chris was still married. Yeah. I knew he was briefly married before but they officially divorced in 2009. No secret. But why would you EVER say that to me? Like seriously?!

I broke. I broke hard. My brothers had to see me in a way that they've never seen me before and I feel very guilty for that. And that is the only thing I feel guilty for in this situation.

I, in no way, feel guilty about anything that I have said or done while Chris was still living and after. I have been as honest, loving and human as I could be. I did everything I could for him and for us. I loved him and  took care of him. Obviously, some people can't handle that but that's not on my conscience. I can sleep at night.

I'm glad that day is dead and buried. I can start to really move on with my life. I know that holidays and his birthday will be hard this year but I don't have anything else looming in the future.

I'm still very angry. I'm not really sure when I'm going to stop but I know that one day I will. I have faith that one day I'll get my answer.

This is my life and I tell how it happens. I fight for what happens. I learn from what happens.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Hi all.

So, the day I was supposed to get married is quickly approaching. Saturday the 22nd. I'm not looking forward to it.

All I keep thinking is that day had so much potential, as did this month. This week was supposed to be filled with family, laughter, bridal stress, drinks, good food and copious amounts of excitement. But when the thoughts go too far I snap myself back because I can't afford to go that deep. I can't mourn for something that isn't going to happen before the deadline gets here. If that makes sense. Which I doubt it did, haha. I'm basically limiting my grief and sadness to Saturday. I say that, but, it has definitely made it's presence in bits and pieces this week. Monday I woke up in a funk, Tuesday I was fine all day until the afternoon and then I couldn't shake the sads. Fortunately, yesterday, I was fine all day. It's so weird, and I know I say that in every post but, seriously, grief is the oddest thing ever. Oh gosh, and all the "are you okay"s and "how are you holding up"s have started. While I appreciate them, I also get a little irritated. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't really want to talk about it? Or I really am just trying to limit my pain to the day itself. Who knows? I sure don't.

Haha, side note: "At Last" by Etta James just started playing on my Pandora. And to start it, she says "Every time someone gets married they always ask 'Sing At last'". God I love poetic irony. *sigh*

At this point in my former wedding journey, the caterer still hasn't given us our money back ( they have $3500 of our money and spent it.), we still don't know if we're getting my money back for my dress (no one is letting me handling that so I have ZERO clue as to how that's going), and I have yet to hear from the photographer. Like, at all. Not even an "I'm sorry" or anything. Which, whatever, that's fine I guess. I just now have an extremely definitive list of who I will not be using when the time comes again. In fact, I think the only vendors I will be using again will be the videographer Shaking Hands Productions (seriously, they're amazing) and Sandals. That's it. Everyone else has been such an utter nightmare to work with and you'd think that with this kind of situation that everyone would be falling over themselves to make things easy. I mean, I plan on getting married again. Wouldn't you want my business? Wouldn't you want me to tell everyone I know about how wonderful you treated me through this time? But, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I learned a lot about people's true nature through this process.

I also told The Yankee about everything that happened to Chris and what was going on this weekend. It was understood what happened since he's friends with my brothers but he was never given the full story. I didn't want to tell him at the very beginning because I was worried that it would scare him away. I alluded to it, sure, because how could I not? But I kept things very vague. I even told him that I was spoken for this Saturday but I never told him why and, God bless him, he didn't ask. He's so wonderful in that way. He doesn't pry at all. He waits for me to volunteer the information and then we'll talk about it. But at the same time, I almost wish that he would ask. It's so much harder to just strike up that conversation and be like "Soooo.....like.....I was supposed to get married this coming Saturday. Isn't that weird?! Hahaha.....". I always laugh and make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. It's awful, haha. Given my mood swings though, I felt I had to let him know. Plus, I want to be honest with him. He's really great and patient and I really like him and he deserves to know. He deserves to know since this was such a large part of my life and he deserves to know what he's getting into and if he wants to jump ship or not. I needed to be fair. So, fair I was.

We went to dinner on Tuesday (another side note: "Dark Paradise" just came on. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, I posted the lyrics as a post here), and I had told him earlier in the day that I was in a funk. So, I thanked him for getting me out of it. And just as I needed him to, he asked why I was in one. I started by explaining what Saturday meant and went from there. His face wore such a heartbroken expression the entire time and all he could say was "wow" and "I'm so sorry....". All I did was what I always do; smile and shrug as if to say "what can you do?". Then after we moved on from that topic, I was a ball of nerves and all I kept saying was "I totally understand if this is too much for you and you don't want to continue this anymore" and blah blah blah. Finally he stopped me and was like, "I don't know what you're talking about". I said, "I'm giving you an out if you would like one". To which he replied, "Stop. I don't want an out. I don't need an out. I am here for you. And if it would make you feel better, I can tell you sad stories that might make you not want to see me anymore". I told him that wasn't necessary since we had enough depressing conversation that evening. He really is so sweet.

So, Saturday. It's coming. I'm prepared as I'm gonna be. And I'll have our $150 bottle of champagne to help with the sad.

It's supposed to be sunny and 86 degrees. At least we were going to have nice weather....

Hello, My Name is Rachel...

...and my life is a romantic comedy. For real, I feel like I am Sandra Bullock in real life. And yes I realize that she is a real person but you know what I mean.

But, guys, I did it. I went on my first date. The friend that I alluded to on my last post is awesome. Not to be a copy of Ms. Bradshaw, but, I'm going to call him The Yankee. He's from New York and a Yankees fan so it totally works.

My family has a HUGE Labor Day party every year and my brother invited The Yankee. Me, J and L were sitting inside talking and getting away from the heat when they came upstairs. You could tell that The Yankee was nervous but introductions were made and approval was given. I was intrigued. J and L kept trying to get me to go strike up conversation with him but I was really nervous. I tried to get closer to where he was standing but would only do so when J and L were with me. Well, wouldn't you know it, they walked away from me, leaving me all by my lonesome, haha. So, I decided to park my ass on a cooler and just wait it out. Then the opportunity arose and The Yankee needed a beer. So, being the helpful pseudo hostess that I was, I asked if he needed a beer. He said yes and it turns out that the cooler where I parked was his cooler. Convenient? Cut to 3 hours and 4 strong drinks later, I'm miss social butterfly and spy just the conversation piece I needed to get things started. It worked, he was hooked, I was drunk and flirty and I may or may not have spilled red wine all over my pants. All was right with the world and we made plans to hang out that Monday.

Monday rolls along and I was getting SUPER nervous. L and I stayed up until about 11:30 the night before trying to pick out the perfect first date outfit. We settled on this really pretty, flowy dress and high heels. I had asked The Yankee earlier in the day for a clue as to where we were going and all he said was either French or Italian. So, in my mind, I thought "Somewhere nice that isn't around here". Points already.

I spent a good 2 hours on getting myself together and I gotta say, I looked goooooood. Especially for how nervous and excited I was, haha. I go to make my grand entrance into the living room in front of everyone and I see that The Yankee is wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and sperrys. I was SEVERELY overdressed, which I announced once I walked into the room which sent everyone into a fit of laughter. So guess who had to run upstairs and change......this girl. So, I ran upstairs and got it done in 5 minutes while in a panic. Good to know this was getting off to a great start.

We had a pretty good conversation in the car and I was really looking forward to going to a restaurant that wasn't a chain restaurant and that wasn't in the immediate area. We parked and walked a few blocks to get to the Italian restaurant that he picked, all the while he explained why he picked it and telling me how great the place was. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I'm talking chairs stacked, no lights, all doors locked kind of closed. The Yankee was like "OMG! They never close! This sucks!" I told him not to worry about it but I had to laugh. So we got back in the  truck and drive a few blocks to the French Place. He manages to parallel park his HUGE truck on the TINY street (points again) and we start the walk. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I shit you not, it was closed. I laughed SO hard but The Yankee was really embarrassed. I reassured him it was fine but that he had to pick a third place because I was starving, haha.

The third place he took me to was this little trattoria which actually turned out to be really good. Our waitress was really cute and kept telling us stories about her life (you could tell she was still new the job because she didn't hate her life, haha) and kept commenting on what we ordered, WHICH WAS DELICIOUS! Again, all was right in the world.

Once the date starting winding down I started getting really nervous about the end. Ya know how at the end of "Cinderella" she turns back into a tattered mess? Yeah, that's me except I turn into a bumbling, giggling idiot who uses sound effects for words. But, The Yankee handled it and just told me how great a time he had and asked to walk me to the door. "This is it...." I thought. "He's totally going to kiss me. Omg what if my breath is bad? What if he is a bad kisser? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BUGS ON OUR DOOR?!" Panicked. We get to the bug-covered door, I turn around he he's standing on the last step not really saying anything so I squeak out "Hug?" and make some stupid arm gesture. He obliges and then tells me to have a good night and walks back to the truck.


That's it.

I gotta tell ya, I was confused. This has never happened to me before. I ALWAYS got kissed on the first date. But, I liked it. And I didn't. It just really threw me for a loop. Then I got the text, "I had an amazing time with you tonight and I really would like to see you again soon". BOOSTED! Cue touchdown dance in the pjs in my room.

I don't know guys, this one might be interesting......

Timelines

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! I apologize for the long hiatus. It's been a bit bonkers since I've returned from Disney.

Speaking of, Disney was AWESOME! I had such a blast the entire week and I'm exhausted, haha. I think I need another vacation just to rest from this one. I'll have to do a separate post to fill you in on all the details and pictures because I don't want to put your eyeballs through a marathon.

One thing that has me thinking lately is timelines. Everyone has one for themselves for pretty much any situation in their life. I feel like all I'm doing is examining my timelines and, moreover, focusing on what other people think of my timeline. Which I know is totally stupid but I can't help it.

In one of my recent posts I told you guys that I had removed my relationship status from my Facebook and how hard that was but that I was glad I did it. And one of the hardest parts about it was how I thought other people might perceive what I was doing and what that removal meant. I still think about it but I still don't feel bad about it. But, the next step in my timeline that is causing a HUGE head-scratching, thought overload is dating.

I've kind of made advances to "get back in the saddle" but nothing too major. They've been hilarious and, I hate to do this to you, unfortunately I can't share just yet. They were exciting and unfamiliar and still kind of sad. There are times when I feel guilty and then I end up just having a fight between me and a picture of Chris and telling him he can't be mad at me because he's the one that did this to me. *Sigh* It's hell being crazy, haha. And a large part of me is mad at him for this. I LOATHE dating. I hate the rules, I hate the games, I just hate all of it. I don't want to have to do it again. I mean, I found HIM; I found my Mr. Right. Sooooo, why am I back in the dating pool?! And that's when the thoughts of the timeline come busting through my brain. I'm I doing this too early? How long should I give myself? Why should I have to wait 6 months to a year and be alone and hate all the couples?

Recently a friend of my brother's told him that he wants to be introduced to me and take me out on a date. Now, I gotta tell ya, my ego is like "EFFIN RIGHT! THIS OLD DOG'S STILL GOT IT!". And I'm excited and nervous and just a big ball of "QWLEI5UQ3OV FJHAIUEY249983Y@#$#$#%qvM  IOAYEI U". Now, because I'm a girl and a total headcase (..........I really do not sell myself very well here), the future thoughts are already happening. But not in the sense of "When we get married....", it's more the sense of "What if he asks me to take Chris' pictures down? That totally won't happen. What will I do with Chris' clothes? Can I not get my remembrance tattoo now? Is it too soon to date?". Guys, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! This is so stupid. I know it is. And I tell myself not to do it because I haven't even had a conversation with this guy yet! Who knows if I will even like him? But I can't help it because we're all told that we have to have a plan or some idea of our timeline.

I guess the thing I'm worried about most is that people will think Chris didn't mean anything to me. That I'm some heartless, glib asshole who was only after him for some specific reason. But I'm not. He was my everything and I will grieve for what we had for as long as I live. It might not be as intense at times, but, it will still be there. Our hearts, I think anyway, are big enough for more than one person. The part that belongs to Chris will always belong to him and who I was with him will always belong to him. But I also belong to me (hey there Jessica Simpson reference) and I choose when and how I'm ready. No one is an expert at what I'm going through and I don't know what I'm doing. I won't know what I'm doing until I do it and then I'll go from there. For example, if I happen to start crying while kissing someone because a song of mine and Chris' comes on (....this may or may not have happened.....) then I'll deal. And if someone has something smart to say, well, then they can go play with a big 'ol bag of dicks. HOW 'BOUT THAT?!!