The Fool

Well, my feeling of power and positivity was rather fleeting. I'm kind of back where I was; confused, angry, sad.....numb. I have found that I'm starting to become numb. And I don't really know how I feel about that. On one hand I feel like it's good because in a way it's like stuff isn't bothering me anymore. But on the other hand it worries me. Numb equals the inability to feel. This may make me sound like a masochist, but, even if I'm feeling hurt, I still want to feel.

What brings all this on, you ask? Here, I'll show you.

This is the latest hate speech I've received from the Grandmother:

·  Anne posted toChris

Sunday

Rachel, you are so sincerely insecure and immature. The message I sent was in reference to something someone else sent, someone you know. The message was sent with the love he had for his mom, whom you never knew nor knew of the relationship the two of them had. You were never even in mind when this was written. Where do you come off thinking it was about you? Again, it's all about Rachel. Mo

st of us have lives and views without thinking that it's all about us. Do you ever go through a day without so much hate and anger??? What you should do is embrace the fact that he had such a great relationship with his mother. This certainly would have been advantagious to you had the two of you had been married and she would have been alive. I do hope one day you will see how your attitude towards me specifically, and possibly the rest of our family, only hurt you in the long run. It could have been so different. His first and second wives knew all about him and his life and understood him completly. As it stands now, I still have a wonderful friendship with the two of them and we do keep in contact all the time. I wish it could have been differerent with you.

So, when I originally read this, I just kind of shook my head. It really didn't incite the rage in me that previous posts had. More or less, I know this woman is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL nut-job and she has no idea what she's talking about. But being the glutton for punishment that I am, I texted a close friend of Chris' and asked what all this crap about him having a second wife was about. I got "What about her? She was a contract wife. I've had one". 

................................................

Now, I know what a contract wife is. If you don't, basically the guy and the girl agree to get married for the benefits and the money. There is nothing romantic going on nor do the couple typically live together. It's essentially a business merger, the most basic form of marriage. This does not bother me. I find it sad but it's whatever. The part that bothers me is that Chris told me that he was SUPPOSED to enter into a contract marriage with a girl but then he met me so he told the girl that they weren't going to do it anymore. So why is it that everyone is saying that he actually DID marry this girl?

I feel duped. I feel lied to. I feel like such a fool. I feel angry at Chris for lying to me. I feel angry that I'm questioning him. I feel so lost and confused.

I don't know who or what to believe. And everyone keeps saying, "Just believe in the love that you and Chris shared and the fact that he loved you". And yes, while that is all well and good, how do I believe in that if our love was sort of based on a lie? 

In my heart of hearts I don't think he lied. I'm sure something messed up some place, somewhere, or something. And I know the person he was and he wouldn't do that to me. But it's just so hard because he's not here to answer my questions or to assuage my fear. I will never know the truth and that's what kills me about this whole situation. There are too many god damned questions that I won't ever get answers to.

It just makes me not want to believe in people or in relationships. I was lied to about an ex's alcoholism, I was lied to about this, I was lied to about another ex's feelings of me. I just want someone to love me enough to tell me the truth. To be so honest that there isn't a shadow of a doubt about how they feel, what they've done, or anything. When I am in a relationship, I am in it. I want to believe in that person so much and do anything I can to make them happy. I think what hurts the most that in this relationship with Chris, he was hands down the love of my life. I sacrificed so much and relied on a promise. A promise that in the end he would take care of me and that would be together. And I waited. For two years and one month. On a promise. On his word. And it terrifies me that I may have believed in a liar. And I hate myself for feeling that way.

I just want it all to end.