I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! I apologize for the long hiatus. It's been a bit bonkers since I've returned from Disney.
Speaking of, Disney was AWESOME! I had such a blast the entire week and I'm exhausted, haha. I think I need another vacation just to rest from this one. I'll have to do a separate post to fill you in on all the details and pictures because I don't want to put your eyeballs through a marathon.
One thing that has me thinking lately is timelines. Everyone has one for themselves for pretty much any situation in their life. I feel like all I'm doing is examining my timelines and, moreover, focusing on what other people think of my timeline. Which I know is totally stupid but I can't help it.
In one of my recent posts I told you guys that I had removed my relationship status from my Facebook and how hard that was but that I was glad I did it. And one of the hardest parts about it was how I thought other people might perceive what I was doing and what that removal meant. I still think about it but I still don't feel bad about it. But, the next step in my timeline that is causing a HUGE head-scratching, thought overload is dating.
I've kind of made advances to "get back in the saddle" but nothing too major. They've been hilarious and, I hate to do this to you, unfortunately I can't share just yet. They were exciting and unfamiliar and still kind of sad. There are times when I feel guilty and then I end up just having a fight between me and a picture of Chris and telling him he can't be mad at me because he's the one that did this to me. *Sigh* It's hell being crazy, haha. And a large part of me is mad at him for this. I LOATHE dating. I hate the rules, I hate the games, I just hate all of it. I don't want to have to do it again. I mean, I found HIM; I found my Mr. Right. Sooooo, why am I back in the dating pool?! And that's when the thoughts of the timeline come busting through my brain. I'm I doing this too early? How long should I give myself? Why should I have to wait 6 months to a year and be alone and hate all the couples?
Recently a friend of my brother's told him that he wants to be introduced to me and take me out on a date. Now, I gotta tell ya, my ego is like "EFFIN RIGHT! THIS OLD DOG'S STILL GOT IT!". And I'm excited and nervous and just a big ball of "QWLEI5UQ3OV FJHAIUEY249983Y@#$#$#%qvM IOAYEI U". Now, because I'm a girl and a total headcase (..........I really do not sell myself very well here), the future thoughts are already happening. But not in the sense of "When we get married....", it's more the sense of "What if he asks me to take Chris' pictures down? That totally won't happen. What will I do with Chris' clothes? Can I not get my remembrance tattoo now? Is it too soon to date?". Guys, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! This is so stupid. I know it is. And I tell myself not to do it because I haven't even had a conversation with this guy yet! Who knows if I will even like him? But I can't help it because we're all told that we have to have a plan or some idea of our timeline.
I guess the thing I'm worried about most is that people will think Chris didn't mean anything to me. That I'm some heartless, glib asshole who was only after him for some specific reason. But I'm not. He was my everything and I will grieve for what we had for as long as I live. It might not be as intense at times, but, it will still be there. Our hearts, I think anyway, are big enough for more than one person. The part that belongs to Chris will always belong to him and who I was with him will always belong to him. But I also belong to me (hey there Jessica Simpson reference) and I choose when and how I'm ready. No one is an expert at what I'm going through and I don't know what I'm doing. I won't know what I'm doing until I do it and then I'll go from there. For example, if I happen to start crying while kissing someone because a song of mine and Chris' comes on (....this may or may not have happened.....) then I'll deal. And if someone has something smart to say, well, then they can go play with a big 'ol bag of dicks. HOW 'BOUT THAT?!!
