I've been working on that, as of late. Hence my blogging absence :-)
A dear friend told me that some time after all the crazy happened and it is something that has stayed with me constantly. I cannot be extinguished. I will not be extinguished.
Things have been busy because I've needed them to be that way. I actually can't remember the last time I was so busy, haha. What can I say? I enjoy being a couch potato. But I've made some steps in the midst of being busy. Some big and some small. The first being that I removed my relationship status on Facebook. That actually took a fair amount of convincing from my friends. I had been wanting to do it for about a week prior but was afraid to do it because I was afraid of how it would look to other people. There has been so much metaphorical mud thrown my way these past months that I didn't want to add to the ammo. I felt like "they" would think it was too early for me to be doing that and that I wanted to look single and that I didn't care about Chris (which couldn't be further from the truth). But it felt like, to me, that I was holding vigil for something that won't happen. That can't happen. I'm not engaged anymore. I haven't been engaged since his heart stopped. I don't want to be un-engaged, trust me. I don't want to wave my single flag. But, it had to happen.
I did it. And I cried when I did it. Not a full on boo-hoo but some tears were shed. It was a sad moment. But I felt good and it felt right.
I also stopped wearing my engagement ring. I love it SO much and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever owned but I just couldn't do it anymore. I actually started resenting it. I thought that I might cherish it more after all this but every time I stared at it I got angry. It felt like it represented a broken promise. Even a lie, perhaps? And I know that it's not, but, I can't help but feel that way. He wasn't supposed to die. He promised that he'd be careful. But he's gone. BOOM: Promise broken.
And I tell you what, the human body is SO interesting. The way it reacts to emotional pain and stress is wild. I know this is going to sound odd, but, my body started physically rejecting my ring. I think when I subconsciously decided I needed to take this step, my body was like "Totes ready to go, dude". The ring started feeling too big and cumbersome and actually started irritating my finger. So it was somewhat of a relief to take it off. I still absentmindedly rub my ring finger, especially when I'm sad, but I feel better. And it's still there when I need it. Like Friday night.
I am an emotional cutter and a SEVERE glutton for punishment. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I do. I was flipping channels Friday night and I happened to come across "PS, I Love You". Now, I don't like this movie. I'm probably the ONLY person who feels this way but I hated it the first time I watched it a few years ago and have hated it ever since. I clearly knew what I was getting into but I did it. And I cried. Boy did I cry. The majority of it was probably because I was hurting but I have a feeling some tears were shed because the movie is JUST SO BAD. I'm sorry, but who on earth would buy her dumb ass shoes? This isn't 1776 and we don't need jacquard kitten-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. But I did get a good laugh in when Gina Gershon was doing Hilary Swank's nails. An homage to her "Showgirls" days perhaps? Now, where did I leave my potato chips......
The night ended with my face swollen and red and really the only thing that helped was putting my ring on and going to sleep. I know it's there when I need it and I can pretend that I'm back in my happy period. Even if it is only so I can fall asleep.
Things are good. Not great, but good. I feel more like myself every day even if I do have some bad days. I still miss him like crazy. I still wish he was here. I still sleep with one of his dirty t-shirts wrapped around my pillow. But, my inner pilot light is still burning.
I cannot be extinguished.
