I know I'm a little late, given we're three weeks into the new year but better late than never, no?
I feel I needed to write this post because this new year really means something important to me- a new life. Not only are the ending numbers of the year changing, but, so am I. I am leaving 2012 Rachel in the year she needs to stay. The hellish, awful, just plain terrible year that was 2012. My plan is to leave the hurt, the anger and the pain behind. Or at least try to anyway.
A couple days ago I was having a rough day. Nothing really bad happened, but, thoughts of Chris decided to assault my brain. It started when I was getting ready for work. I can't really remember what the specific memories and thoughts were but they were the type that got me angry. I do remember that a fair amount of the memories were about what Grandma Crazy said about/to me on Facebook and what I would have said to her if I could have. This happened all morning. It got to the point that I actually had to yell out loud in my car, "GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I DON'T WANT THESE THOUGHTS! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED!". It's amazing how well voicing your thoughts can overpower the "silent" ones. Even when the "silent" ones tend to be the loudest.
This continued most of the day until, finally, when I got home I was just in a plain bad headspace. Not to mention we hadn't seen the sun for, like, 7 days so I think that got to me, too. I left to go to rehearsal and ended up having to go to WaWa. Well, the way it works best for me is I had to drive past where Grandma C lives. I'd say about half a mile before I drove past the neighborhood (which is actually the same neighborhood were my dad grew up), the right side of my brain started to hurt really bad and it continued until about a half a mile past the neighborhood. I told my mom this and she suggested that perhaps it was Chris trying to get my attention. And I told her, as well as perhaps Chris if he was being a sneaky passenger, that he needed to "Leave me the fuck alone because I don't want him around yet". I know what you're thinking and yes- I am dazzling in my eloquence. I am totally a word wizard (side note- I definitely used the term "badassery" in a sentence the other day. 10 points to Gryffindor). But I digress.
At rehearsal I was wonky given my current mental annoyance and it just wasn't good. And then I go to leave and check my phone and the father of another ex who had passed away called me. At that point, I just threw my phone in my purse and told all ex-boyfriends to LEAVE ME ALONE! And then I cried. All the way home.
But! No big. I've felt fine since then and I've actually got some great news. And in typical Out of the Lion's Den fashion, I can't tell you yet. Don't you just LOVE me? I am probably going to announce it next week because I really am bursting at the seams to share. The future is looking bright for this gal!
