Hey stranger!
How goes it? Good? I hope so. Long time, no blog, eh?
Things have been going well. Every day I settle in more and more with my "new" life here. And I'm having a lot of fun. But, if you saw the title of this entry, the anniversary of all the hard times are coming.
Two weeks ago was mine and Chris' dating anniversary; May 15th.
I had been feeling a little wonky when the month started and I had actually started a blog post about it, but, never finished. It's funny...I'll feel all these feelings and then once I voice them, I feel better. But still the feelings are there, whether I want them or not. Which I don't.
I was in an Excel class all day on the 15th, which was probably the best thing for me. Subject matter that was in one way stimulating my mind and in another way, numbing it. I couldn't really focus on what that day meant or what I was feeling or thinking. But when I got home, I was making dinner for myself or something (I can't really remember what I was doing) and I just sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried like that in a really long time. And poor Beau, he just stared at me with this sweetest, confused look on his face and walked over and just laid on my lap. He tried to rub his face on mine but I was covering my face with my hands. And there was sat, just like that, for about 10 or 15 minutes. My friend, MM, came over later and brought me some wine which meant a lot. I felt okay the rest of the night. The next day, however, was a different story.
I woke up and it felt impossible to get out of bed. I was lethargic, anxious, just everything and nothing at the same time. And that's the worst feeling ever. You're absolutely REELING but feel like you weigh a ton so neither feeling is coming to fruition.
I sat down at my desk at work and just lost it. I told a few of my coworkers what was going on, when I was able, and they understood. But it got to the point that I really couldn't sit there anymore. I got up and went out to my car and called my mom and just sobbed. I was right back to feeling where I was last summer. I can't believe I felt that way for months. I don't wish that on anyone. It's awful. And I don't want to feel that way anymore. Any time I put my mind back there, the way my body physically reacts is...there are no words.
It's June 1st. In 14 days is the anniversary of what I have started calling The Bad; the day that my life changed forever. I'm terrified. I don't know how I will feel that day but I'm glad that it's on the weekend so I don't have to worry about work. I've contemplated going to the cemetery since I've never been and I want to have closure. I want to close this wound once and for all. A friend of mine told me that I don't need to physically be at the grave to have closure, but I like to stand on ceremony. For me, I need to physically be there. His....remains...if that's what you want to call them, are there. "He" is there. If I get to the cemetery and I'm blocked like I was last year, then I'll take that as a sign that I don't need to do it. But, I want to be done. "He" needs to "hear" what I have to say. And I don't feel him around so how do I know that he has "heard" what I've said at this point? I'm still so angry and hurt and I just need to release this for my sanity.
I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I'm not the person I was and will never be again. I hate that he took that from me. I hate how this entire process has happened. But, while I hate it, it is what it is. And I'm better for it.
If you haven't seen "The Great Gatsby" (uhh...you NEED to....), there is a scene where Gatsby is telling Nick the truth about his life. When he is talking about when he met Daisy, he says something that really resonated with me. He says, "I could have been a great man, Nick. I could have done great things, if I hadn't fallen in love".
Amen, Gatsby. A-freaking-men.
