Hi all.
So, the day I was supposed to get married is quickly approaching. Saturday the 22nd. I'm not looking forward to it.
All I keep thinking is that day had so much potential, as did this month. This week was supposed to be filled with family, laughter, bridal stress, drinks, good food and copious amounts of excitement. But when the thoughts go too far I snap myself back because I can't afford to go that deep. I can't mourn for something that isn't going to happen before the deadline gets here. If that makes sense. Which I doubt it did, haha. I'm basically limiting my grief and sadness to Saturday. I say that, but, it has definitely made it's presence in bits and pieces this week. Monday I woke up in a funk, Tuesday I was fine all day until the afternoon and then I couldn't shake the sads. Fortunately, yesterday, I was fine all day. It's so weird, and I know I say that in every post but, seriously, grief is the oddest thing ever. Oh gosh, and all the "are you okay"s and "how are you holding up"s have started. While I appreciate them, I also get a little irritated. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't really want to talk about it? Or I really am just trying to limit my pain to the day itself. Who knows? I sure don't.
Haha, side note: "At Last" by Etta James just started playing on my Pandora. And to start it, she says "Every time someone gets married they always ask 'Sing At last'". God I love poetic irony. *sigh*
At this point in my former wedding journey, the caterer still hasn't given us our money back ( they have $3500 of our money and spent it.), we still don't know if we're getting my money back for my dress (no one is letting me handling that so I have ZERO clue as to how that's going), and I have yet to hear from the photographer. Like, at all. Not even an "I'm sorry" or anything. Which, whatever, that's fine I guess. I just now have an extremely definitive list of who I will not be using when the time comes again. In fact, I think the only vendors I will be using again will be the videographer Shaking Hands Productions (seriously, they're amazing) and Sandals. That's it. Everyone else has been such an utter nightmare to work with and you'd think that with this kind of situation that everyone would be falling over themselves to make things easy. I mean, I plan on getting married again. Wouldn't you want my business? Wouldn't you want me to tell everyone I know about how wonderful you treated me through this time? But, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I learned a lot about people's true nature through this process.
I also told The Yankee about everything that happened to Chris and what was going on this weekend. It was understood what happened since he's friends with my brothers but he was never given the full story. I didn't want to tell him at the very beginning because I was worried that it would scare him away. I alluded to it, sure, because how could I not? But I kept things very vague. I even told him that I was spoken for this Saturday but I never told him why and, God bless him, he didn't ask. He's so wonderful in that way. He doesn't pry at all. He waits for me to volunteer the information and then we'll talk about it. But at the same time, I almost wish that he would ask. It's so much harder to just strike up that conversation and be like "Soooo.....like.....I was supposed to get married this coming Saturday. Isn't that weird?! Hahaha.....". I always laugh and make jokes when I'm uncomfortable. It's awful, haha. Given my mood swings though, I felt I had to let him know. Plus, I want to be honest with him. He's really great and patient and I really like him and he deserves to know. He deserves to know since this was such a large part of my life and he deserves to know what he's getting into and if he wants to jump ship or not. I needed to be fair. So, fair I was.
We went to dinner on Tuesday (another side note: "Dark Paradise" just came on. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, I posted the lyrics as a post here), and I had told him earlier in the day that I was in a funk. So, I thanked him for getting me out of it. And just as I needed him to, he asked why I was in one. I started by explaining what Saturday meant and went from there. His face wore such a heartbroken expression the entire time and all he could say was "wow" and "I'm so sorry....". All I did was what I always do; smile and shrug as if to say "what can you do?". Then after we moved on from that topic, I was a ball of nerves and all I kept saying was "I totally understand if this is too much for you and you don't want to continue this anymore" and blah blah blah. Finally he stopped me and was like, "I don't know what you're talking about". I said, "I'm giving you an out if you would like one". To which he replied, "Stop. I don't want an out. I don't need an out. I am here for you. And if it would make you feel better, I can tell you sad stories that might make you not want to see me anymore". I told him that wasn't necessary since we had enough depressing conversation that evening. He really is so sweet.
So, Saturday. It's coming. I'm prepared as I'm gonna be. And I'll have our $150 bottle of champagne to help with the sad.
It's supposed to be sunny and 86 degrees. At least we were going to have nice weather....
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Hello, My Name is Rachel...
...and my life is a romantic comedy. For real, I feel like I am Sandra Bullock in real life. And yes I realize that she is a real person but you know what I mean.
But, guys, I did it. I went on my first date. The friend that I alluded to on my last post is awesome. Not to be a copy of Ms. Bradshaw, but, I'm going to call him The Yankee. He's from New York and a Yankees fan so it totally works.
My family has a HUGE Labor Day party every year and my brother invited The Yankee. Me, J and L were sitting inside talking and getting away from the heat when they came upstairs. You could tell that The Yankee was nervous but introductions were made and approval was given. I was intrigued. J and L kept trying to get me to go strike up conversation with him but I was really nervous. I tried to get closer to where he was standing but would only do so when J and L were with me. Well, wouldn't you know it, they walked away from me, leaving me all by my lonesome, haha. So, I decided to park my ass on a cooler and just wait it out. Then the opportunity arose and The Yankee needed a beer. So, being the helpful pseudo hostess that I was, I asked if he needed a beer. He said yes and it turns out that the cooler where I parked was his cooler. Convenient? Cut to 3 hours and 4 strong drinks later, I'm miss social butterfly and spy just the conversation piece I needed to get things started. It worked, he was hooked, I was drunk and flirty and I may or may not have spilled red wine all over my pants. All was right with the world and we made plans to hang out that Monday.
Monday rolls along and I was getting SUPER nervous. L and I stayed up until about 11:30 the night before trying to pick out the perfect first date outfit. We settled on this really pretty, flowy dress and high heels. I had asked The Yankee earlier in the day for a clue as to where we were going and all he said was either French or Italian. So, in my mind, I thought "Somewhere nice that isn't around here". Points already.
I spent a good 2 hours on getting myself together and I gotta say, I looked goooooood. Especially for how nervous and excited I was, haha. I go to make my grand entrance into the living room in front of everyone and I see that The Yankee is wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and sperrys. I was SEVERELY overdressed, which I announced once I walked into the room which sent everyone into a fit of laughter. So guess who had to run upstairs and change......this girl. So, I ran upstairs and got it done in 5 minutes while in a panic. Good to know this was getting off to a great start.
We had a pretty good conversation in the car and I was really looking forward to going to a restaurant that wasn't a chain restaurant and that wasn't in the immediate area. We parked and walked a few blocks to get to the Italian restaurant that he picked, all the while he explained why he picked it and telling me how great the place was. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I'm talking chairs stacked, no lights, all doors locked kind of closed. The Yankee was like "OMG! They never close! This sucks!" I told him not to worry about it but I had to laugh. So we got back in the truck and drive a few blocks to the French Place. He manages to parallel park his HUGE truck on the TINY street (points again) and we start the walk. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I shit you not, it was closed. I laughed SO hard but The Yankee was really embarrassed. I reassured him it was fine but that he had to pick a third place because I was starving, haha.
The third place he took me to was this little trattoria which actually turned out to be really good. Our waitress was really cute and kept telling us stories about her life (you could tell she was still new the job because she didn't hate her life, haha) and kept commenting on what we ordered, WHICH WAS DELICIOUS! Again, all was right in the world.
Once the date starting winding down I started getting really nervous about the end. Ya know how at the end of "Cinderella" she turns back into a tattered mess? Yeah, that's me except I turn into a bumbling, giggling idiot who uses sound effects for words. But, The Yankee handled it and just told me how great a time he had and asked to walk me to the door. "This is it...." I thought. "He's totally going to kiss me. Omg what if my breath is bad? What if he is a bad kisser? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BUGS ON OUR DOOR?!" Panicked. We get to the bug-covered door, I turn around he he's standing on the last step not really saying anything so I squeak out "Hug?" and make some stupid arm gesture. He obliges and then tells me to have a good night and walks back to the truck.
That's it.
I gotta tell ya, I was confused. This has never happened to me before. I ALWAYS got kissed on the first date. But, I liked it. And I didn't. It just really threw me for a loop. Then I got the text, "I had an amazing time with you tonight and I really would like to see you again soon". BOOSTED! Cue touchdown dance in the pjs in my room.
I don't know guys, this one might be interesting......
But, guys, I did it. I went on my first date. The friend that I alluded to on my last post is awesome. Not to be a copy of Ms. Bradshaw, but, I'm going to call him The Yankee. He's from New York and a Yankees fan so it totally works.
My family has a HUGE Labor Day party every year and my brother invited The Yankee. Me, J and L were sitting inside talking and getting away from the heat when they came upstairs. You could tell that The Yankee was nervous but introductions were made and approval was given. I was intrigued. J and L kept trying to get me to go strike up conversation with him but I was really nervous. I tried to get closer to where he was standing but would only do so when J and L were with me. Well, wouldn't you know it, they walked away from me, leaving me all by my lonesome, haha. So, I decided to park my ass on a cooler and just wait it out. Then the opportunity arose and The Yankee needed a beer. So, being the helpful pseudo hostess that I was, I asked if he needed a beer. He said yes and it turns out that the cooler where I parked was his cooler. Convenient? Cut to 3 hours and 4 strong drinks later, I'm miss social butterfly and spy just the conversation piece I needed to get things started. It worked, he was hooked, I was drunk and flirty and I may or may not have spilled red wine all over my pants. All was right with the world and we made plans to hang out that Monday.
Monday rolls along and I was getting SUPER nervous. L and I stayed up until about 11:30 the night before trying to pick out the perfect first date outfit. We settled on this really pretty, flowy dress and high heels. I had asked The Yankee earlier in the day for a clue as to where we were going and all he said was either French or Italian. So, in my mind, I thought "Somewhere nice that isn't around here". Points already.
I spent a good 2 hours on getting myself together and I gotta say, I looked goooooood. Especially for how nervous and excited I was, haha. I go to make my grand entrance into the living room in front of everyone and I see that The Yankee is wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and sperrys. I was SEVERELY overdressed, which I announced once I walked into the room which sent everyone into a fit of laughter. So guess who had to run upstairs and change......this girl. So, I ran upstairs and got it done in 5 minutes while in a panic. Good to know this was getting off to a great start.
We had a pretty good conversation in the car and I was really looking forward to going to a restaurant that wasn't a chain restaurant and that wasn't in the immediate area. We parked and walked a few blocks to get to the Italian restaurant that he picked, all the while he explained why he picked it and telling me how great the place was. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I'm talking chairs stacked, no lights, all doors locked kind of closed. The Yankee was like "OMG! They never close! This sucks!" I told him not to worry about it but I had to laugh. So we got back in the truck and drive a few blocks to the French Place. He manages to parallel park his HUGE truck on the TINY street (points again) and we start the walk. Well, we get to the restaurant and it's closed. I shit you not, it was closed. I laughed SO hard but The Yankee was really embarrassed. I reassured him it was fine but that he had to pick a third place because I was starving, haha.
The third place he took me to was this little trattoria which actually turned out to be really good. Our waitress was really cute and kept telling us stories about her life (you could tell she was still new the job because she didn't hate her life, haha) and kept commenting on what we ordered, WHICH WAS DELICIOUS! Again, all was right in the world.
Once the date starting winding down I started getting really nervous about the end. Ya know how at the end of "Cinderella" she turns back into a tattered mess? Yeah, that's me except I turn into a bumbling, giggling idiot who uses sound effects for words. But, The Yankee handled it and just told me how great a time he had and asked to walk me to the door. "This is it...." I thought. "He's totally going to kiss me. Omg what if my breath is bad? What if he is a bad kisser? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BUGS ON OUR DOOR?!" Panicked. We get to the bug-covered door, I turn around he he's standing on the last step not really saying anything so I squeak out "Hug?" and make some stupid arm gesture. He obliges and then tells me to have a good night and walks back to the truck.
That's it.
I gotta tell ya, I was confused. This has never happened to me before. I ALWAYS got kissed on the first date. But, I liked it. And I didn't. It just really threw me for a loop. Then I got the text, "I had an amazing time with you tonight and I really would like to see you again soon". BOOSTED! Cue touchdown dance in the pjs in my room.
I don't know guys, this one might be interesting......
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