Anniversary

Hey stranger!

How goes it? Good? I hope so. Long time, no blog, eh?

Things have been going well. Every day I settle in more and more with my "new" life here. And I'm having a lot of fun. But, if you saw the title of this entry, the anniversary of all the hard times are coming.

Two weeks ago was mine and Chris' dating anniversary; May 15th.

I had been feeling a little wonky when the month started and I had actually started a blog post about it, but, never finished. It's funny...I'll feel all these feelings and then once I voice them, I feel better. But still the feelings are there, whether I want them or not. Which I don't.

I was in an Excel class all day on the 15th, which was probably the best thing for me. Subject matter that was in one way stimulating my mind and in another way, numbing it. I couldn't really focus on what that day meant or what I was feeling or thinking. But when I got home, I was making dinner for myself or something (I can't really remember what I was doing) and I just sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. I hadn't cried like that in a really long time. And poor Beau, he just stared at me with this sweetest, confused look on his face and walked over and just laid on my lap. He tried to rub his face on mine but I was covering my face with my hands. And there was sat, just like that, for about 10 or 15 minutes. My friend, MM, came over later and brought me some wine which meant a lot. I felt okay the rest of the night. The next day, however, was a different story.

I woke up and it felt impossible to get out of bed. I was lethargic, anxious, just everything and nothing at the same time. And that's the worst feeling ever. You're absolutely REELING but feel like you weigh a ton so neither feeling is coming to fruition.

I sat down at my desk at work and just lost it. I told a few of my coworkers what was going on, when I was able, and they understood. But it got to the point that I really couldn't sit there anymore. I got up and went out to my car and called my mom and just sobbed. I was right back to feeling where I was last summer. I can't believe I felt that way for months. I don't wish that on anyone. It's awful. And I don't want to feel that way anymore. Any time I put my mind back there, the way my body physically reacts is...there are no words.

It's June 1st. In 14 days is the anniversary of what I have started calling The Bad; the day that my life changed forever. I'm terrified. I don't know how I will feel that day but I'm glad that it's on the weekend so I don't have to worry about work. I've contemplated going to the cemetery since I've never been and I want to have closure. I want to close this wound once and for all. A friend of mine told me that I don't need to physically be at the grave to have closure, but I like to stand on ceremony. For me, I need to physically be there. His....remains...if that's what you want to call them, are there. "He" is there. If I get to the cemetery and I'm blocked like I was last year, then I'll take that as a sign that I don't need to do it. But, I want to be done. "He" needs to "hear" what I have to say. And I don't feel him around so how do I know that he has "heard" what I've said at this point? I'm still so angry and hurt and I just need to release this for my sanity.

I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I'm not the person I was and will never be again. I hate that he took that from me. I hate how this entire process has happened. But, while I hate it, it is what it is. And I'm better for it.

If you haven't seen "The Great Gatsby" (uhh...you NEED to....), there is a scene where Gatsby is telling Nick the truth about his life. When he is talking about when he met Daisy, he says something that really resonated with me. He says, "I could have been a great man, Nick. I could have done great things, if I hadn't fallen in love".

Amen, Gatsby. A-freaking-men.

The Cat Brag

I judge me for my lack of blog updates. Eventually I'll stop having to apologize for my not keeping up on a timely basis. But, until that day arrives, I'm sooooooooorry!

I got a cat! An adorable, handsome, cutestlittlethingyou'veeverseenthatyouwannaeathisface cat!

Everyone, this is Beau.

Couldn't you just die? Ugh. I die so hard.

I had been considering getting a cat for a while but I was hesitating because of a few reasons:

1. I was worried about still being able to have a social life
2. Money
3. Caring for another living thing

The biggest thing holding me back was my dog, Sophie, whom I had while I was briefly living in North Carolina. I was unable to bring her with me back to Maryland and that devastated me. But, she went to a really great home and I still miss her. It's a pretty safe bet that I have some residual guilt from that situation. But, I the past is the past and the future is best, right?

Right!

So a few weeks back, I was on FB and a friend of mine had shared a "Second Chance" post for a cat named Ziggy at BARCS (Baltimore Animal Rescue Care Services). And I gotta tell ya, whoever writes their posts must have taken some SERIOUS creative writing classes because his description tugged my heart strings right to the shelter. I had to see the little guy and maybe save him from his cage.

I get there, visit Ziggy and he was just terrified. He was curled up all the way in the corner of his cage and was very leery of my presence. After a little time he let me pet him but that's it. We didn't really connect and my hand was COVERED in black hair. I have all carpet in my apartment and that really wouldn't have been ideal. I felt bad, but, I decided to browse. I met another kitty named Fancy Kitty and she was a talker. She meowed the whole time and basically laid her head in my hand. I liked her but I asked the girl to show me some of her favorites. She goes "Umm...." and kind of scanned some of the cages in the room we were in and she pointed to a cage with a cat named Tiger McLamb.

That's right, Tiger McLamb.

Mr. McLamb was taking a little nap, but, when he realized we were there to visit, he calmly got up and waited for the cage to open. The girl helping me picked him up and he immediately perched on her shoulders. She was telling me how calm he was and she always felt it was a good sign if they perched on you like he was. So, she passed him over to me and he immediately laid on my shoulder and purred. He was completely content and didn't want to get down.

"Uh-oh..." I thought. I knew I was in trouble.

I started to shift to put him back down and he wrapped himself around the back of my neck, almost like he was hugging me to say, "No. I want to stay".

I died.

I tried to stay as detached as possible. I hadn't 100% made up my mind yet about committing to getting a cat. But I knew I REALLY liked him. It actually turned out well for me because it was too late to adopt him that day. But I wouldn't have any way. I told the girl I wanted to go home and think about everything before I adopted him. So, she kindly put a 24 hour hold on him for me.

I went back and forth about it the rest of the night and all next day. I literally hadn't made up my mind until I walked into the shelter. Could I handle the commitment? Did I want the responsibility? What would I do if I had to go away? Luckily I have wonderful friends who helped me argue both sides. My personal favorite was my dad's response, "Kid 18 years, Cat 15 years. Get a Furby". BARCS definitely made sure this is really what I wanted- I had to wait for 2 hours to get Beau, formally Tiger McLamb. They were busy, then they had to get him ready, then we had to have a cat class, it was pretty legit. But, I stuck it out. I wanted my little man; My Beau. And I got him :-)

Right out of the box

I didn't make a sound in the box as we were driving home. I thought that was pretty amazing. And when I took him out, he immediately was all over me. He climbed up and he put himself on my shoulder like a little baby. I was hooked.

He is wonderful. He makes me want to come home at the end of the day and spend time at home. Actually, he's made this apartment really feel like a home.

Don't get me wrong, he still has the Cat-itude when he feels like copping one, but, he is still really mellow and loving. And funny! Boy, he cracks me up.

Let me tell ya 'bout muh best frand!

ugh. i can't.

"Kitty Dans la Ville"

I'm officially at Cat Lady status. But, can you blame me? He's so photogenic and awesome!

Ugh. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

A Month In

As of Saturday, I have been a Baltimore resident for a month. So far the following things have happened:

- I reconnected with friends from back home and have been introduced to their fabulous friends
- I enjoyed myself so much that I fell down the steps at Max's Tap House
- I've all but forgotten that I DON'T have to give my number to everyone who asks for it
- My car was towed and it cost me $300. All because I didn't want to pay to take a cab. In the end, I still had to take a cab to go pick up my car
- I have gotten lonely
-I have worked until 11:30 pm
-I've had a near breakdown in FedEx/Kinkos
- I've kissed an Indian Lawyer
- I've kissed a BEAUTIFUL freshly turned 21 year old
-I've seen an amazing performer SO CLOSE that I could smell her perfume
- I've taken my stepmom and her bff out on the town
- I've cried in my bathtub
- I have eaten incredible food
- I have danced my ass off
- I have received a letter for jury duty for my first time EVER. For the court system in La Plata
- I have finished reading a book and started another
- I've hated living alone
-I've loved living alone
-I've made lovely new friends
-I've missed my friends from back home

As you can see, I've been all over the place, haha. To say the least. Not to worry, I'm still going strong. I'm just still getting comfortable and adjusting. The most difficult part of this whole journey, so far, has been the living alone part. I've never lived 100% by myself before. Even when I was out on my own before, I always had roommates. Twice I had roommates who moved out about a month before our lease was up, but that was different. That time was spent packing and getting ready to move. I didn't really have to time to sit and realize, "I am by myself". But, I have had plenty of time to sit on my couch and think, "I am by myself". It's weird.

It can be kind of scary at times because I'm a thinker. I literally think of ev.er.y.th.in.g. I go over every thought, situation, feeling and over analyze. Then I worry that I'm becoming neurotic. And then I worry that I'm going to have a Hannah-sized freak out and jab a q-tip so far in my ear that I live in a giant t-shirt for 3 days. God that episode was horrific.....but I digress.

The worst part is that I wonder if I made the right choice by moving here. Work, in all honesty, has been challenging. It's not bad, it's just different. It's a whole different thing being back in the corporate world. And to be in the corporate world doing what I went to college for, which I haven't really touched since 2009, is scary. When they say it's a $40 million deal, IT'S A $40 MILLION DEAL. It's not hypothetical. It's not for a grade. IT'S FOR $40 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS! Now you understand why I would have a breakdown in Kinkos.

I hate that I do this. I hate that I question my decisions. But I can't help it.

See what I mean about my neuroses?

I know that it will get better. I know that I will hit my stride. It just takes time. You all have been with me long enough on this journey that you know I have a difficult time with patience. It is truly a virtue that I have to work on a daily basis.

I just miss the familiar. I miss knowing what I'm doing. I'm uncomfortable with all of this inner examination and thorough look-over of what I'm doing and where I'm going and how I'm going about it.

Everything will be fine, I know it will. And really, it already is. I'm just being silly. BLAAAAHHHHHHHH.

And here's hoping that I'm about to get out of jury duty...

Age Old Question

Picture this:

It is a beautiful Sunday evening. You decide to walk down to the city harbor to get out of your apartment and peruse some shops. You stop to get your favorite tea on your way back. As you're walking back to your apartment, you see a line of boys and decide to avoid them, being that you are by yourself. Then you hear them yell "YO GIRL! WHY YOU WALKIN' THAT WAY? LET ME SUCK YOUR P***Y".

Yes, I am serious.

Yes, I stopped in my tracks.

Mind you- there are about 20-25 other people standing around there, waiting for the bus. It took every fiber of my being not to turn around and go off.

I don't even know where to start. Who talks like that to women?! Who talks like that period?! Where the hell do you learn that that's okay?!

I've dealt with males saying stuff to me my entire life. I have no problem answering their stupid ass  remarks with bitchy retorts. But why is it that it tends to be younger African-American boys that think they can talk like that? The most APPALLING things have been said to me by boys who are probably between 16 and 22 and I'm just walking down the street, minding my own damn business.

When I lived in this city before, I would discuss this with some of the African-American ladies that I worked with. And by discuss I mean trade horror stories. I just don't understand what it is about the African-American culture that makes it okay for males to talk to women in such a way that is both infuriating and degrading.

It makes me angry.

It makes me sad.

It makes me want to punch a mother fucker in the face.

It just makes me feel like that we, as women, just can't win. We're regarded as both trash and treasure no matter how hard we work. I mean, c'mon guys, without us you wouldn't exist. You need our baby-cookers to be able to create life. And let me tell ya, yelling "YO LET ME SUCK YOUR P***Y" is not what a lady wants to hear. That isn't what ANYONE wants to hear.

I love living in the city, I do. I can handle myself and these dumb asses who insist on being stupid. But we really need to take a step back and really examine ourselves as a culture. Both the "men" who insist on treating women like crap and the women who don't stand up for themselves.

End rant.

Good Morning Baltimore

.....There's the flasher who lives next door/ There's the bum on his bar room stool/ They wish me luck on my way to school...

Greetings from gloomy, wet, loud and UTTERLY FANTASTIC Baltimore! And don't worry, none of those things have happened...yet.

I'm very sorry that I've been gone for so long. The past month has been quite the whirlwind. My show opened and closed, I started my new job and moved. I can't tell you how exhausted I've been through all of this, but, it has been amazing. And the people who have helped me have been amazing.

I feel like myself. A feeling that I've been slowly getting back over these months. But now, being on my own in my own space, in a city that I really began my adult life, I feel like I've been catapulted into normalcy. It's quite nice.

And, dare I say it, I feel like I've begun to forgive Chris. Not all the way, but, slightly. I have a lot of time to myself here and any time I'm alone for long periods of time I tend to think about ev.er.y.th.ing. Especially when I'm trying to go to sleep. I find myself thinking about him. Remembering things. I even attempt to miss him but then my mind/body/heart is all "HELL TO THE NO!" and then I'm over it. The sadness isn't there and neither is the fire. It's just.....it is what it is.

And it is happy. I am happy.

I'm also nervous just being back out on my own again. It's been three years and this time I am COMPLETELY on my own. I have no roommates to fall back on. But I can do it. I feel it in my gut that everything will work out.

This year has been so exciting so far and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was wary. To be honest, I didn't let myself get excited about moving into my place until after my check cleared. It's silly, I know, but too many times in my life I've been let down at the very last moment. It's a lesson I've had to learn time and time again but this time I think I've got it. So I'm good, God. I am gooooooood. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

I also feel a bit guilty being so happy.  There have been a lot of people around me who have experienced hurt and disappointment. It's hard for me being 100% COMPLETELY happy. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to stop hurting. But that's the lesson, isn't it? When good things happen to you, you must keep your eye on everyone else? Be thankful for the good things you've been given but want everyone else to share it. Either that or it's a flaw of mine; happy for what I've been given but feeling like I'm not worthy. Good gracious I'm a mess. But a happy mess!

All in all things are wonderful. Thank you all for your love and well wishes!

...And I promise Baltimore/ That some day when I take the floor/ The world's gonna wake up and see/ Gonna wake up and see/ Baltimore and me...

Floaters

I picked up the newest Vanity Fair when I did a Target run on Sunday. It was practically begging for me to buy it because they cleverly placed Jennifer Lawrence on the cover. If you haven't heard me gush about her, she's totally my girl crush. We're best friends in my alternate reality. Surprisingly enough, however, this post is not about her. Although I probably should do one about her. Seeing since we're sparkle friends and all. *Sigh*.......I have a problem......

The real inspiration from this post comes from another recent pop culture heroine- Lena Dunham. The magazine does a quick review of her life and how she has been able to be an honest social commentator about what it's like to be a 20-something "girl", trying to make it in a post-Sex and the City New York. But what struck me was the term that Europeans use to refer to people like me, you, and others like us: the floating generation. It is defined as, "young people over-educated for the employment they can find, if they can find it, whose lives have stalled on the cusp of adulthood".

Balls. If that doesn't make perfect sense, I don't know what does.

I don't know about you, but, I definitely feel like a floater. As hard as I try to be tethered or get picked up on some sort of gust, it just wasn't happening. Or, I get picked up and then my winds change and I'm back to floating in the great abyss of life. I want so badly to be tethered. Or do I?

I look at some other people that I know who, for the sake of this post, seem "tethered" and I feel jealous. They know exactly where they'll be, how strong their strings are and that they'll be able to weather whatever storm comes their way. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get myself tied down, in one way or another. I was always the girl who had A Plan...or thought I did anyway. No matter how secure I felt, Life has always sent a hurricane my way and I'm caught up in all sorts of bustle and blow. But now that I look back, I'm not sure if I'm really all that sad or feel I missed out on something.

If we're looking at things half full here, I'm actually kind of lucky. I get/got my time to really just be. To figure out where I want to go and be able to choose which direction I want to blow. Instead of switching from one tether to another, I got to let go. Don't get me wrong, that TERRIFIES me every.single.time. Like, I'm talking sobbing breakdowns, eating feelings, the whole works. I hate it. I hate not having direction. I also feel that I'm kind of looked down upon. I mean, the definition says it perfectly: my life "...stalled on the cusp of adulthood". I had to move back in with my parents at 23. I had to take a job that really didn't stimulate my inner creative. Then the person who I thought was the love of my life was taken from me. I felt like I had nothing. I had failed 18 year old Rachel who had SUCH aspirations for herself. Not to mention, who swore she would never come back to this awful county. I had let her down and I didn't know which way was up.

....wait. Wasn't I supposed to be looking at things half full?

Well, my friends, my winds have changed. It looks like I may not be a "floater" any longer. I've recently been offered a new position as the Sales and Marketing Administrator/Coordinator for a national homebuilder. I'll be working in Columbia and moving back to BALTIMORE!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am! All of this has literally fallen into my lap and I am beyond grateful. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. And this time has been so easy. I haven't had to grit my teeth and try to fit circles into squares to make things work. It hasn't been as easy as breathing but it's been close enough. It's nice, this feeling. This feeling of not having to work SO hard to make things work. And while I'm so very sad to say goodbye to my family, friends, and friends who have become my family, I am over the moon about this new chapter in my life.

I am finally starting to enjoy this ride called life.

New Year

I know I'm a little late, given we're three weeks into the new year but better late than never, no?

I feel I needed to write this post because this new year really means something important to me- a new life. Not only are the ending numbers of the year changing, but, so am I. I am leaving 2012 Rachel in the year she needs to stay. The hellish, awful, just plain terrible year that was 2012. My plan is to leave the hurt, the anger and the pain behind. Or at least try to anyway.

A couple days ago I was having a rough day. Nothing really bad happened, but, thoughts of Chris decided to assault my brain. It started when I was getting ready for work. I can't really remember what the specific memories and thoughts were but they were the type that got me angry. I do remember that a fair amount of the memories were about what Grandma Crazy said about/to me on Facebook and what I would have said to her if I could have. This happened all morning. It got to the point that I actually had to yell out loud in my car, "GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I DON'T WANT THESE THOUGHTS! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED!". It's amazing how well voicing your thoughts can overpower the "silent" ones. Even when the "silent" ones tend to be the loudest.

This continued most of the day until, finally, when I got home I was just in a plain bad headspace. Not to mention we hadn't seen the sun for, like, 7 days so I think that got to me, too. I left to go to rehearsal and ended up having to go to WaWa. Well, the way it works best for me is I had to drive past where Grandma C lives. I'd say about half a mile before I drove past the neighborhood (which is actually the same neighborhood were my dad grew up), the right side of my brain started to hurt really bad and it continued until about a half a mile past the neighborhood. I told my mom this and she suggested that perhaps it was Chris trying to get my attention. And I told her, as well as perhaps Chris if he was being a sneaky passenger, that he needed to "Leave me the fuck alone because I don't want him around yet". I know what you're thinking and yes- I am dazzling in my eloquence. I am totally a word wizard (side note- I definitely used the term "badassery" in a sentence the other day. 10 points to Gryffindor). But I digress.

At rehearsal I was wonky given my current mental annoyance and it just wasn't good. And then I go to leave and check my phone and the father of another ex who had passed away called me. At that point, I just threw my phone in my purse and told all ex-boyfriends to LEAVE ME ALONE! And then I cried. All the way home.

But! No big. I've felt fine since then and I've actually got some great news. And in typical Out of the Lion's Den fashion, I can't tell you yet. Don't you just LOVE me? I am probably going to announce it next week because I really am bursting at the seams to share. The future is looking bright for this gal!