You Cannot Be Extinguished

I've been working on that, as of late. Hence my blogging absence :-)

A dear friend told me that some time after all the crazy happened and it is something that has stayed with me constantly. I cannot be extinguished. I will not be extinguished.

Things have been busy because I've needed them to be that way. I actually can't remember the last time I was so busy, haha. What can I say? I enjoy being a couch potato. But I've made some steps in the midst of being busy. Some big and some small. The first being that I removed my relationship status on Facebook. That actually took a fair amount of convincing from my friends. I had been wanting to do it for about a week prior but was afraid to do it because I was afraid of how it would look to other people. There has been so much metaphorical mud thrown my way these past months that I didn't want to add to the ammo. I felt like "they" would think it was too early for me to be doing that and that I wanted to look single and that I didn't care about Chris (which couldn't be further from the truth). But it felt like, to me, that I was holding vigil for something that won't happen. That can't happen. I'm not engaged anymore. I haven't been engaged since his heart stopped. I don't want to be un-engaged, trust me. I don't want to wave my single flag. But, it had to happen. 

I did it. And I cried when I did it. Not a full on boo-hoo but some tears were shed. It was a sad moment. But I felt good and it felt right.

I also stopped wearing my engagement ring. I love it SO much and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever owned but I just couldn't do it anymore. I actually started resenting it. I thought that I might cherish it more after all this but every time I stared at it I got angry. It felt like it represented a broken promise. Even a lie, perhaps? And I know that it's not, but, I can't help but feel that way. He wasn't supposed to die. He promised that he'd be careful. But he's gone. BOOM: Promise broken.

And I tell you what, the human body is SO interesting. The way it reacts to emotional pain and stress is wild. I know this is going to sound odd, but, my body started physically rejecting my ring. I think when I subconsciously decided I needed to take this step, my body was like "Totes ready to go, dude". The ring started feeling too big and cumbersome and actually started irritating my finger. So it was somewhat of a relief to take it off. I still absentmindedly rub my ring finger, especially when I'm sad, but I feel better. And it's still there when I need it. Like Friday night.

I am an emotional cutter and a SEVERE glutton for punishment. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I do. I was flipping channels Friday night and I happened to come across "PS, I Love You". Now, I don't like this movie. I'm probably the ONLY person who feels this way but I hated it the first time I watched it a few years ago and have hated it ever since. I clearly knew what I was getting into but I did it. And I cried. Boy did I cry. The majority of it was probably because I was hurting but I have a feeling some tears were shed because the movie is JUST SO BAD. I'm sorry, but who on earth would buy her dumb ass shoes? This isn't 1776 and we don't need jacquard kitten-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. But I did get a good laugh in when Gina Gershon was doing Hilary Swank's nails. An homage to her "Showgirls" days perhaps? Now, where did I leave my potato chips......

The night ended with my face swollen and red and really the only thing that helped was putting my ring on and going to sleep. I know it's there when I need it and I can pretend that I'm back in my happy period. Even if it is only so I can fall asleep.

Things are good. Not great, but good. I feel more like myself every day even if I do have some bad days. I still miss him like crazy. I still wish he was here. I still sleep with one of his dirty t-shirts wrapped around my pillow. But, my inner pilot light is still burning.

I cannot be extinguished. 

Truth

I love Post Secret.

Summer Nights

Nights are the worst.

It's always the same. I walk up my stairs, turn on every light, do every other meaningless task, and then I catch myself; a sight in the mirror. And I stare. I stare at myself. I stare at no one. I stare at someone who used to be a somebody to someone. To someone who is no one now.

Sometimes I ask myself questions:
Who are you?
Why do you look so sad?
Remember when you were happy?
Remember the way you looked when you still had him?

The last is sometimes the hardest to answer. It seems so far and yet so close.

Is this my life? One can hardly tell. I know who I am. Or do I? I know that face in the mirror.

Don't I?

I don't why I look to the mirror for answers. Perhaps I hope/I'm hoping that once the cold, truthful reflection will tell me a lie; if I stare hard enough at it his arm will drape around my shoulders and his forehead will nuzzle my cheek. I live for these lies. I'm desperate for the lie.

So there I sit. Waiting for my own reflection to lie to me.

Sweet insanity.

At the same time I feel like everything around me is a lie. His cologne and bow tie on my dresser, the bags of his clothes in a corner with shirts spilled about, a t-shirt with his smell, a picture of him next to me. Happy. How could he have ever been here if he is gone? If he is never going to wear his clothes again or leave an empty Monster on my nightstand? Did I dream it?

What I would do for the lie. But there I sit. Every day. Waiting for the glass to lie. Searching for answers.

Why won't he talk to me? Why can't I feel him? Why won't he come back to me?

Why am I alone?

A Good Weekend

This past weekend I went up to New Jersey to visit one of my best friends, L. Her birthday was this past Sunday and I was definitely due for a visit. I had such a blast! But I always do with L.

Friday I left after work, so right around 4:30. This proved to be a stupid decision since I got stuck in traffic three freaking times. But luckily I still made it there in decent time and L's parent's took us out to dinner. The place was super cute and I got an awesome shrimp scampi. Mmmm.....I could go for some right now. After dinner L and I just spent the night talking and catching up.

Saturday was awesome. L took me to Atlantic City for my first time! There was SO MUCH to look at that I didn't know what to focus on, haha. And as soon as we walked into Caesars that feeling was amplified by, like, 10,000. There were so many lights and sounds and people and sparkly things that my brain was on overload. L wanted to play some penny machines so she tried her luck at one and *WOMP WOMP* no such luck. So we walked around and then I found Kitty Glitter...

Took one look and I knew this was my game. So, I sat down and put $20 in. And wouldn't you know it, I added $23.37 to that $20! So, I walked away. I didn't want to try my luck more than that.

L took me to where all the shops were and my eyeballs fell out of my head when we walked by Burberry. Have you guys seen their new Fall/Winter Line? I die. There was an older lady who had a giant Louis Vuitton shopping bag AND a Burberry shopping bag. I immediately hated her. So, L took me to Sugar to make it better. Sugar is a GIANT candy store and we went a bit crazy in there and it was awesome.

After our sugar high we had lunch on the boardwalk and played "Your Team". Plenty of prime real estate for that. Especially the guidos sitting at the table beside us. I'm sorry, but, how is it comfortable to have your hat sitting ON TOP of your head? Like, not even pulled down. How does the wind not knock it off? How does it stay on? Makes no sense....

We headed back to Caesars to finish out the day and L and I wanted to try one more time to gamble. Her luck didn't improve and the penny slots got the best of her again. I really wanted to go back to Kitty Glitter since it proved to be lucky for me. Well, just like a damn cat, it was an asshole. I lost the $20 I had won the last time. Stupid gambling. I've learned that I'm not a big gambler. I like having something to show for the money I spent. Now, had I won like $2,000 or something this opinion would be very different, haha.

Philadelphia was the next and final stop on our adventure. We stayed at a hotel right in Center City by city hall. I LOVE city hall. It's soooooooooooooooo pretty! I was super excited about our night because L always takes me to the coolest places whenever we go. And she definitely didn't disappoint.

And can I just mention that the City of Brotherly Love was being VERY loving to L and I this weekend? Haha. Got compliments out of  wazoo and everyone was just being SO nice. Definitely helped my ego a little bit. SAD GIRL STILL GOT IT!

Anyway, L and her boyfriend, T, took me to this place called The Farmers Cabinet. It was AWESOME! The drinks were delicious and the atmosphere was so neat. The jazz band they had played songs from the 1920s and it really added to the experience. I loved everything about it, so much so that it might be my new favorite bar in Philly. It's a definite must if you're ever in the area.

Next we went to a place called Perch Park or bar or something. It was your run-of-the-mill bar. We had a good time until I found a piece of glass in my drink, haha. We left promptly after that.

T unfortunately had to head home after that but L and I continued our bar crawl. She asked if I wanted to go to another place and I said "Sure! It's your birthday night so we can go wherever you want". Next thing I know she's talking to a guy outside by a stairwell and then starts going downstairs with him. She turned me around to tell me to come with and I was just like "I swear, if I didn't know you, I'd think you were trying to kill me every time we go to a bar in Philly". The last bar she took me to like this was down a creepy alley but the bar was awesome. This place was called The Franklin Mortgage & Investment Company . It was a legit speakeasy during Prohibition! It was really neat and their drink menu was awesome as well. Another must in this city.

Well, last call came and went so we headed back to the hotel. We skipped dinner since lunch was so late but we were STARVING at this point. We changed and walked four blocks to a pizza place in the Gayborhood (a real place). Have you guys ever seen macaroni and cheese pizza before? I hadn't. And it looked glorious through my drunk eyes. However, L and I got a large cheese instead and made it our bitch. We ate like all but two pieces. We're so pretty.....

The next day L took me to Devil's Den for brunch. O...M....G......this place.....I can't even.....

Is that not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? That's crab cake benedict. A frittata, crab cake, over easy eggs covered in hollandaise sauce and spicy potatoes. Excuse me while I wipe up the drool from my desk....





We rolled ourselves out of there after we finished being fatties and headed back to L's house for some birthday cake. There may or may not have been some shopping done before we made it back to the house, haha.

I had SUCH a good time and I didn't want to come home; Back to the doom and gloom and the paranoia. I think the best part of the weekend is that I wasn't worried that everyone knew who I was and was talking about me. I was a nobody and I was far away from the sad. Hell, I didn't cry at all the ENTIRE weekend until I went to bed Sunday night. *Sigh*...if only that was all the time. I can tell you this though, being in a new city really ignited my desire to move. I mean, I figured I would leave after everything settles down and I really felt ready. This trip, however, created a strong fire inside me to get the hell out of dodge as soon as I can. Now the question is....

Where do I go?

OBSESSED

Omg the words.......

All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight

There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine

Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Everytime I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight

"The Greatest Gift"

Today I received the letter that details who/where Chris' heart and liver went to.

I've had a really hard time with this since the beginning. I recognize and understand the "gift" and all the good that this choice can do, and ultimately, has done. But it still is something I don't find joy in.

The week of D Day, my cousin T was here visiting. T is a registered nurse at the Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh so she has seen a fair share of trauma and "gift" giving. After it happened and I spoke with the donor company, T tried to make me understand how wonderful donation is and all the good she has seen it do. In fact, she got emotional just talking about it. I told her that day, and I feel the same now, that I understand that it is good. But I don't feel the good. I don't get joy from it.

The letter states,

"Christopher's liver was transplanted into a 54 year-old man from Georgia. He is married and has two children. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the transplant waiting list since May of this year and that the liver functioned immediately. This gentleman has been discharged from the hospital.

Your fiance's heart was able to help a 51 year-old man from Georgia. He is married, with three stepdaughters, and works as a mechanic. His transplant center informs us that he had been on the waiting list for two months and has been discharged from the hospital in good condition."

Now, both of these men could easily be my father. My dad turned 53 this year. But that still doesn't make it better. And these men were only on the transplant list for a couple of months. What about the people who are on the list for years? I may not know the level of their conditions but it bothers me.

I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?

I don't feel good because Chris' heart and Chris' liver are still supposed to be in his body. He is supposed to be giving me his heart on September 22nd. It isn't supposed to be in this man's body. This man that I don't know that doesn't live in the state that Chris is from.

I feel like Georgia stole him from me. Parts of his body, parts of him, parts of me that I will never get back.

It's so unfair.

The letter also says that I can write to the recipient and their family if i so wish. To tell them about Chris and tell them about me. Part of me would really like to do that but I'm afraid that I won't get a response. And I don't know how badly that will hurt. I've already given so much of myself in this and have gotten so little back that I don't know if further rejection will bother me.

I know this is good. I understand this is good. But why don't I feel good?

I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to get letters like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think about this.

How is this "The Greatest Gift" when it hurts so much? When will everyone be done taking from me?

The Girl Who Cried In Front of Lebron James

......*sigh*......

So that happened.

But you're in luck random readers! I am not approaching this with a sad attitude! No, no! I am DEFINITELY cracking up about this because, c'mon...it's funny.

So Friday night I hung out with one of my first friends I made at college and my old roommate (who happened to be BFFs). It had been a long while since I had seen them and when they came to the viewing it brought back a lot of great memories. I really miss these girls!

After work, I headed up to Annapolis to hang out with AC* and TD* and I was really excited for the evening. The plan was that we were going to a club in DC where Lebron James just happened to be celebrating his birthday. Ummmm.......EXCITED! I was feeling really good about everything because I had some awesome outfit options and my hair looked really good. And it didn't hurt that I got flirted with on route 50. (Hey, I'll take my victories where I can get them)

I made it up to Annapolis and AC and I had some quality chatting time (TD was still at work) as well as primping time. Now, the outfit options I had: one was kinda safe and the other wasn't. Now you should know this about me: I am OBSESSED with rompers. Like, it's almost a problem, haha. I think I have 7 now? One of them is this SUPER cute one that I had gotten from ASOS (again, OBSESSED)

Cute right? Very Katy Perry.

So, when I tried it on I was a little shaky on it. The shorts are SUPER short and I've recently lost like 40 lbs so I'm not used to having a lot on display. But, I brought it with me because I'm trying to have a "who cares?!" attitude these days.

I showed it to AC and MC (the girls' friend) and they really liked it and encouraged me to have no fear. So, in very "FUCK IT" fashion, I wore it. But ya know, I was really feeling it. I felt good, I felt like I looked good, and it helped that the girl at the liquor store complimented my hair. 

Little victories, people. Little victories.

Around 10:30 we start making the trek to DC with TD in tow. I couldn't wait to get to the club because I was so excited to go out with my girls and just dance and have fun! Nothing could get me down!

Then we get to the hotel we were staying at and I get out of the jeep. There were two girls sitting outside and they were just staring at me. I mean, they probably weren't but my neuroses these days is off the charts. So that made me nervous. Then we make it up to the room we were staying in....with a bunch of Ravens cheerleaders.

.........Do you hear that? That's the sound of my ego deflating like a damn balloon. 

I chuckle and think to myself "Aaaaand I'm officially the fat friend" as I start tugging at my outfit. But, I try to stay positive and think it's still going to be a good night.

Then we get in the cab. I start to think, "Oh yeah....this is only the second time I've been out without my parents...oh shit....." and the anxiety starts to bubble (yeah...that's a new gift this situation has given me. awesome). The anxiety continues to bubble when we're inside because they are security guards everywhere and people trying to take our picture (I shit you not) and busboys running around like CRAZY. TD saw that I was kind of panicking and tried to talk me down. We eventually made it over to our VIP table where there were lots of bottles.

Ego, slightly recovered. 

After that I really mellowed out and tried to enjoy the moment. I mean, I was at a super awesome club in DC with a VIP table and alcohol I didn't have to pay for! Plus, I was with my awesome friends and a bunch of attractive girls. And a famous person was coming. AWESOME!

Mr. James eventually made his appearance and when he did, the sea of blonde I was with gravitated over to his table (which was only one table away from ours). They made their way in and after about 20 minutes, the other half of our group (myself included) made our way in. Now, at this point, I've had two grey goose and cranberries and 2 glasses of champagne. I was feeling good. And I met Lebron's friend J. He was a very nice fellow. What he said, however, I couldn't tell ya. The music was loud and he was too soft spoken. But, he was fun. 

Now, let me describe the scene for you. The booth was like a half moon shape. I was sitting towards the left hand side and Lebron was to my right with about 5 people in between us. There was also a bunch of girls dancing in front of all the guys. It was pretty full. But all was right with the evening...

Until it wasn't.

I can't tell you at what point these thoughts started happening, but, they happened. It was like I looked around and could tell that some of these people were on the "hunt". And I thought to myself, "I can't believe I have to do this again". And then I thought, "It's not fair that none of these people have to go through what I've just had to go through". 

Then I fucking cried. 

With Lebron James and his entourage sitting on either side of me. 

I. Fucking. Cried.

TD would later tell me that J asked if I was okay and she told him what was going on. He apparently said "Oh my God! She is so strong for trying to come out and be normal!"

HAHA! "Try" is the operative word there.

.......*sigh*........I judge me.

The rest of the night was spent having a breakdown for an hour back at the hotel room and TD's boyfriend coming to pick us up at like 4 am to take us home. 

The next morning I woke up and just shook my head, haha. 

Who does this happen to? Just me.