I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! I apologize for the long hiatus. It's been a bit bonkers since I've returned from Disney.
Speaking of, Disney was AWESOME! I had such a blast the entire week and I'm exhausted, haha. I think I need another vacation just to rest from this one. I'll have to do a separate post to fill you in on all the details and pictures because I don't want to put your eyeballs through a marathon.
One thing that has me thinking lately is timelines. Everyone has one for themselves for pretty much any situation in their life. I feel like all I'm doing is examining my timelines and, moreover, focusing on what other people think of my timeline. Which I know is totally stupid but I can't help it.
In one of my recent posts I told you guys that I had removed my relationship status from my Facebook and how hard that was but that I was glad I did it. And one of the hardest parts about it was how I thought other people might perceive what I was doing and what that removal meant. I still think about it but I still don't feel bad about it. But, the next step in my timeline that is causing a HUGE head-scratching, thought overload is dating.
I've kind of made advances to "get back in the saddle" but nothing too major. They've been hilarious and, I hate to do this to you, unfortunately I can't share just yet. They were exciting and unfamiliar and still kind of sad. There are times when I feel guilty and then I end up just having a fight between me and a picture of Chris and telling him he can't be mad at me because he's the one that did this to me. *Sigh* It's hell being crazy, haha. And a large part of me is mad at him for this. I LOATHE dating. I hate the rules, I hate the games, I just hate all of it. I don't want to have to do it again. I mean, I found HIM; I found my Mr. Right. Sooooo, why am I back in the dating pool?! And that's when the thoughts of the timeline come busting through my brain. I'm I doing this too early? How long should I give myself? Why should I have to wait 6 months to a year and be alone and hate all the couples?
Recently a friend of my brother's told him that he wants to be introduced to me and take me out on a date. Now, I gotta tell ya, my ego is like "EFFIN RIGHT! THIS OLD DOG'S STILL GOT IT!". And I'm excited and nervous and just a big ball of "QWLEI5UQ3OV FJHAIUEY249983Y@#$#$#%qvM IOAYEI U". Now, because I'm a girl and a total headcase (..........I really do not sell myself very well here), the future thoughts are already happening. But not in the sense of "When we get married....", it's more the sense of "What if he asks me to take Chris' pictures down? That totally won't happen. What will I do with Chris' clothes? Can I not get my remembrance tattoo now? Is it too soon to date?". Guys, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! This is so stupid. I know it is. And I tell myself not to do it because I haven't even had a conversation with this guy yet! Who knows if I will even like him? But I can't help it because we're all told that we have to have a plan or some idea of our timeline.
I guess the thing I'm worried about most is that people will think Chris didn't mean anything to me. That I'm some heartless, glib asshole who was only after him for some specific reason. But I'm not. He was my everything and I will grieve for what we had for as long as I live. It might not be as intense at times, but, it will still be there. Our hearts, I think anyway, are big enough for more than one person. The part that belongs to Chris will always belong to him and who I was with him will always belong to him. But I also belong to me (hey there Jessica Simpson reference) and I choose when and how I'm ready. No one is an expert at what I'm going through and I don't know what I'm doing. I won't know what I'm doing until I do it and then I'll go from there. For example, if I happen to start crying while kissing someone because a song of mine and Chris' comes on (....this may or may not have happened.....) then I'll deal. And if someone has something smart to say, well, then they can go play with a big 'ol bag of dicks. HOW 'BOUT THAT?!!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
YOU JUST WON THE SHITTIEST HAND OF LIFE EVER! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?!
I AM GOING TO MUTHA EFFING DISNEY WORLD!
That's what.
For realsies! I leave for the Land of Mouse on Monday and don't come back until the 26th. Which just so happens to be my 26th birthday! Woot!
One of my very best friends, W, lives in Orlando and he is being an awesome/wonderful/fantastic/marvelous friend and taking me to Disney for my very first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fyi, a lot of this post is going to be in caps and followed by a series of exclamation points. Because I am THAT excited. You don't even understand....
Given that this is my golden birthday (26 on the 26th) and because this summer has just been complete and utter shit, I wanted to give myself a little gift and carpe the fuck out of the diem. So, for me, that meant Disney. I've been wanting to go there FOR-EV-VER and it's been a while since I've gone to Orlando. I miss my Florida peeps. AND I GET TO MEET MICKEY MOUSE AND ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE PRINCESSES! Did I mention I'm actually 25 going on 6?
I have this irrational idea that I'm going to make friends with all of the princesses, given they're all probably around my age, and we'll hang out and get drunk together and then they'll give me a job. I would be Belle SO HARD. Haha I can feel your judgment. And you're not wrong because I totally judge me, haha.
It's going to be so nice to get away, though. I keep feeling that way any time I go away. No one knows me, no one knows my situation, they're just going to look at me and think "Wow, that young woman is really enjoying herself with her sequined Minnie Mouse ears". Do you have any idea how refreshing that will be? I hate going out where I live. I feel like everyone knows who I am and they're all staring and pitying me. That's probably not what's happening but I can't help but feel that way.
So, off to the land of wishing and dreams coming true. Hopefully I'll come back with tons of stories and a new job! Hey, a girl can dream right?
That's what.
For realsies! I leave for the Land of Mouse on Monday and don't come back until the 26th. Which just so happens to be my 26th birthday! Woot!
One of my very best friends, W, lives in Orlando and he is being an awesome/wonderful/fantastic/marvelous friend and taking me to Disney for my very first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fyi, a lot of this post is going to be in caps and followed by a series of exclamation points. Because I am THAT excited. You don't even understand....
Given that this is my golden birthday (26 on the 26th) and because this summer has just been complete and utter shit, I wanted to give myself a little gift and carpe the fuck out of the diem. So, for me, that meant Disney. I've been wanting to go there FOR-EV-VER and it's been a while since I've gone to Orlando. I miss my Florida peeps. AND I GET TO MEET MICKEY MOUSE AND ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE PRINCESSES! Did I mention I'm actually 25 going on 6?
I have this irrational idea that I'm going to make friends with all of the princesses, given they're all probably around my age, and we'll hang out and get drunk together and then they'll give me a job. I would be Belle SO HARD. Haha I can feel your judgment. And you're not wrong because I totally judge me, haha.
It's going to be so nice to get away, though. I keep feeling that way any time I go away. No one knows me, no one knows my situation, they're just going to look at me and think "Wow, that young woman is really enjoying herself with her sequined Minnie Mouse ears". Do you have any idea how refreshing that will be? I hate going out where I live. I feel like everyone knows who I am and they're all staring and pitying me. That's probably not what's happening but I can't help but feel that way.
So, off to the land of wishing and dreams coming true. Hopefully I'll come back with tons of stories and a new job! Hey, a girl can dream right?
Monday, August 13, 2012
You Cannot Be Extinguished
I've been working on that, as of late. Hence my blogging absence :-)
A dear friend told me that some time after all the crazy happened and it is something that has stayed with me constantly. I cannot be extinguished. I will not be extinguished.
Things have been busy because I've needed them to be that way. I actually can't remember the last time I was so busy, haha. What can I say? I enjoy being a couch potato. But I've made some steps in the midst of being busy. Some big and some small. The first being that I removed my relationship status on Facebook. That actually took a fair amount of convincing from my friends. I had been wanting to do it for about a week prior but was afraid to do it because I was afraid of how it would look to other people. There has been so much metaphorical mud thrown my way these past months that I didn't want to add to the ammo. I felt like "they" would think it was too early for me to be doing that and that I wanted to look single and that I didn't care about Chris (which couldn't be further from the truth). But it felt like, to me, that I was holding vigil for something that won't happen. That can't happen. I'm not engaged anymore. I haven't been engaged since his heart stopped. I don't want to be un-engaged, trust me. I don't want to wave my single flag. But, it had to happen.
I did it. And I cried when I did it. Not a full on boo-hoo but some tears were shed. It was a sad moment. But I felt good and it felt right.
I also stopped wearing my engagement ring. I love it SO much and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever owned but I just couldn't do it anymore. I actually started resenting it. I thought that I might cherish it more after all this but every time I stared at it I got angry. It felt like it represented a broken promise. Even a lie, perhaps? And I know that it's not, but, I can't help but feel that way. He wasn't supposed to die. He promised that he'd be careful. But he's gone. BOOM: Promise broken.
And I tell you what, the human body is SO interesting. The way it reacts to emotional pain and stress is wild. I know this is going to sound odd, but, my body started physically rejecting my ring. I think when I subconsciously decided I needed to take this step, my body was like "Totes ready to go, dude". The ring started feeling too big and cumbersome and actually started irritating my finger. So it was somewhat of a relief to take it off. I still absentmindedly rub my ring finger, especially when I'm sad, but I feel better. And it's still there when I need it. Like Friday night.
I am an emotional cutter and a SEVERE glutton for punishment. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I do. I was flipping channels Friday night and I happened to come across "PS, I Love You". Now, I don't like this movie. I'm probably the ONLY person who feels this way but I hated it the first time I watched it a few years ago and have hated it ever since. I clearly knew what I was getting into but I did it. And I cried. Boy did I cry. The majority of it was probably because I was hurting but I have a feeling some tears were shed because the movie is JUST SO BAD. I'm sorry, but who on earth would buy her dumb ass shoes? This isn't 1776 and we don't need jacquard kitten-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. But I did get a good laugh in when Gina Gershon was doing Hilary Swank's nails. An homage to her "Showgirls" days perhaps? Now, where did I leave my potato chips......
The night ended with my face swollen and red and really the only thing that helped was putting my ring on and going to sleep. I know it's there when I need it and I can pretend that I'm back in my happy period. Even if it is only so I can fall asleep.
Things are good. Not great, but good. I feel more like myself every day even if I do have some bad days. I still miss him like crazy. I still wish he was here. I still sleep with one of his dirty t-shirts wrapped around my pillow. But, my inner pilot light is still burning.
I cannot be extinguished.
A dear friend told me that some time after all the crazy happened and it is something that has stayed with me constantly. I cannot be extinguished. I will not be extinguished.
Things have been busy because I've needed them to be that way. I actually can't remember the last time I was so busy, haha. What can I say? I enjoy being a couch potato. But I've made some steps in the midst of being busy. Some big and some small. The first being that I removed my relationship status on Facebook. That actually took a fair amount of convincing from my friends. I had been wanting to do it for about a week prior but was afraid to do it because I was afraid of how it would look to other people. There has been so much metaphorical mud thrown my way these past months that I didn't want to add to the ammo. I felt like "they" would think it was too early for me to be doing that and that I wanted to look single and that I didn't care about Chris (which couldn't be further from the truth). But it felt like, to me, that I was holding vigil for something that won't happen. That can't happen. I'm not engaged anymore. I haven't been engaged since his heart stopped. I don't want to be un-engaged, trust me. I don't want to wave my single flag. But, it had to happen.
I did it. And I cried when I did it. Not a full on boo-hoo but some tears were shed. It was a sad moment. But I felt good and it felt right.
I also stopped wearing my engagement ring. I love it SO much and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever owned but I just couldn't do it anymore. I actually started resenting it. I thought that I might cherish it more after all this but every time I stared at it I got angry. It felt like it represented a broken promise. Even a lie, perhaps? And I know that it's not, but, I can't help but feel that way. He wasn't supposed to die. He promised that he'd be careful. But he's gone. BOOM: Promise broken.
And I tell you what, the human body is SO interesting. The way it reacts to emotional pain and stress is wild. I know this is going to sound odd, but, my body started physically rejecting my ring. I think when I subconsciously decided I needed to take this step, my body was like "Totes ready to go, dude". The ring started feeling too big and cumbersome and actually started irritating my finger. So it was somewhat of a relief to take it off. I still absentmindedly rub my ring finger, especially when I'm sad, but I feel better. And it's still there when I need it. Like Friday night.
I am an emotional cutter and a SEVERE glutton for punishment. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I do. I was flipping channels Friday night and I happened to come across "PS, I Love You". Now, I don't like this movie. I'm probably the ONLY person who feels this way but I hated it the first time I watched it a few years ago and have hated it ever since. I clearly knew what I was getting into but I did it. And I cried. Boy did I cry. The majority of it was probably because I was hurting but I have a feeling some tears were shed because the movie is JUST SO BAD. I'm sorry, but who on earth would buy her dumb ass shoes? This isn't 1776 and we don't need jacquard kitten-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. But I did get a good laugh in when Gina Gershon was doing Hilary Swank's nails. An homage to her "Showgirls" days perhaps? Now, where did I leave my potato chips......
The night ended with my face swollen and red and really the only thing that helped was putting my ring on and going to sleep. I know it's there when I need it and I can pretend that I'm back in my happy period. Even if it is only so I can fall asleep.
Things are good. Not great, but good. I feel more like myself every day even if I do have some bad days. I still miss him like crazy. I still wish he was here. I still sleep with one of his dirty t-shirts wrapped around my pillow. But, my inner pilot light is still burning.
I cannot be extinguished.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
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